pegak

Cerita Holiday Lagi

2012-02-07T23:35:00.005+08:00

Last Sunday, di church (St. Anthony's Church, Bintulu), selepas selesai 11am mass, BM Home Cell Group buat family prayer and pot luck.

Our Home Cell Group, St. Anne, ditugaskan untuk mengemas selesai program. And yeah, kami mengemas dewan macam semut mengangkat makanan. Sepantas kilat hahahaha~

It was sunny last Sunday. Tapi, hujan di tengah hari. Luckily the gathering dibuat dalam church hall.

And petangnya, daddy suddenly suggest buat makan-makan. Family sebelah daddy and mummy yang ada di Bintulu hampir semua datang. Last Sunday was a very very busy day for me.

Semua benda setel kemas after midnight. Luckily, keesokan harinya adalah Chap Goh Meh. I slept till noon wakakakaka~

Handsome boy sitting with me in the front seat.

On the way to church.

Bulan bagi jelingan maut.

Taken at our church hall.

Home Cell Group gather for Family Prayer

and pot luck at St. Anthony's church hall.

Chap Goh Meh day, mum ajak jalan-jalan. Cari kasut untuk beliau. So we went to few place. Ada yang berkenan, size tiada. Ada yang size okay, reka bentuk pula beliau tidak berkenan. We went to town... wrong move =.=

Like a dead town

Almost every shop in town was closed that day.

Kedai kasut apatah lagi.

So, we went to satu-satunya bakery shop yang buka hari tu and beli somthing to munch in the car sambil meneruskan ekspedisi mencari kasut untuk mummy.

cari punya cari punya cari...

Tidak jumpa.

In the end, kami melepakkan diri di Secret Recipe.

Mum's

Belle' and I shared this

Mum's coffee.

Mum's spagetthi meatballs

Belle's having her spaghetti bolognese

Tengah-tengah makan, suddenly Belle's phone ringing.

Kawan dia call tanya pasal kelas malam (untuk pelajar yang bakal menduduki UPSR this year).

Spoiler ~ We we're having fun and then kena bergegas balik to send Belle to her night class pula. Yeah, it's Chap Goh Meh tapi study tetap study. Luckily, we arrived at her school int time.

Well, like I said in my previous entry, kalau tak ada sebab, I prefer to stay home and melayan budak-budak. Tak banyak benda I did during holiday (setakat ni)...

My high school friends ajak BBQ last Sunday. I don't know why I was reluctant to go masa they asked. Just now I found out that Mr J was there...

Is this You God...?
hahaha~ funny...

By the way, esok provisional result keluar. I hope I pass everyhting. And next week, full result. I really hope I won't get get any lower than B- ... >.<

Let's all pray and hope for the best !

Dabai and Choco Chip Cake

2012-02-03T13:58:00.007+08:00

I don't like going out masa holiday unless if I really need something or if Mum needs my help with something. Then I'll go with her to where ever dia mau pergi.

And biasanya tempat-tempat tersebut adalah bank, market or tempat-tempat biasa yang dikunjungi kaum ibu =.= ... Sometimes, we'll just lepak-lepak minum. sebab bosan duduk di rumah. But since mum sekarang sedang sibuk buat kraftangan dia tu, so we seldom go out.

This is keeping Mum busy everyday

Kalau ada, we'll try finish outside business secepatnya supaya boleh balik hahaha ~

Bunyi membosankan, kan?

I really don't like going out when I'm home. I prefer duduk rumah.

Last week, we went to town. Mum ada few things that need to be settle and aku tolong dia untuk settle kan benda-benda tersebut. Alang-alang di town, we went to market terus. Beli lauk untuk keesokan harinya.

Owh~ time pergi tu dah petang... Time macam ni, most things will be sell at cheaper price ^^

Tengah-tengah mencari sayur mayur and also bahan-bahan pakai buat tuak, ternampak la orang menjual buah dabai.

Dabai

Sebagai seorang penggemar dabai, aku menelan air liur melihat harga buah tersebut.

1 kong = RM10

Iya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan....

Diorang jual pakai kong.

"Kong" = 1 tin susu pekat manis ...

Boleh bayangkan tak betapa sedikitnya?

Mum tried one... Dia cakap a bit masam. Aku tak berani nak cuba. Takut kecewa. Bila dia cakap masam, semangat aku dah down sikit. So we continue berjalan mencari sayur and juga bahan-bahan pakai buat tuak. When we arrived at the other end, ternampak lagi penjual dabai.

Masa tu dah tak nak cuba. We just bought 1 kong. On the way ke kereta, ternampak lagi seorang penjual dabai. Kali ni nampak yang murah...

1 kong = RM5

Why?

Sebab dabai yang dia jual tak fresh. Kulit luar dah nampak berkedut-kedut sebab terkena panas. But she said dabai tu still okay. Mum said, beli je la... so dengan dia, we bought 2 kong. RM30 untuk dabai sahaja =.=

Went home and masak dabai tu.

Senang je pun...

Masak air panas. Dah masak, biarkan sekejap. Basuh buah dabai dengan air. Strain it. Letak dalam sebuah bekas and tuangkan air panas tadi ke dalam bekas ada buah dabai. Biarkan dabai tu terendam sampai masak. Dah masak (buah tu akan jadi lebut), buang air and makan la...

Aku buat semua ni pukul 10 malam.

Sementara tunggu buah dabai tu lembut, aku selongkar peti sejuk. Cari something yang boleh makan dengan dabai. Yang aku jumpa cuma bendi (ladies finger) and sardin. Jadi la... Aku panaskan nasik and bila dah siap... Makan !!! hahahaha~

Ladies finger
(Bendi)

Aku suka pedas-pedas

Sardin

Lebihan lauk makan malam

2 kali tambah nasik okay

This holiday... Tak tau apa yang merasuk...

I bake a lot. Yesterday was the 4th time... kot.

I baked Choco Chip cake. Belle yang baru balik dari sekolah helped me. Aku start membuat kek selesai saja lunch. Kek kali ni tak ada gambar end product. I put it on the rack to let it cool sebelum start potong. I left it there and buat kerja lain. When I went back to the kitchen, tengok kek dah "rongak" dikerjakan oleh my bro... =.=

Sebelum aku sempat potong, dia dah potong dulu...

Butter, egg and sugar

Belle came back from school and helped me campurkan serbuk koko

I should've put more cocoa powder

Nampak pucat sikit and kurang rasa koko

Choco Chip menyelamatkan keadaan ^^

I used 2 bottle of this

Sebagai inti and topping

Baking in process

Bought Baked Cheese Cake at a local bakery

It's yummy ^^
Wanna try do this next time

Did I tell you guys about the books I bought?

Aku beli tiga lagi buku.

Another one by Dan Brown - "Deception Point"

Simon Toyne's "Sanctus" and Ingrid Betancourt - "Even Silence Has An End"

Toyne's a new author. consider baru la sebab baru terbit 1 buku. I bought his book sebab nak tengok is it good or not. Brown... I have all his books. Deception Point adalah yang paling last aku beli. I like the way dia describe tempat, watak... everyhting. Semua detail. When I read his book, boleh imagine tempat-tempat yang dia describe. That's what I like about his story. As for Betancourt... I saw her interview dalam Oprah masa cuti yang lepas.

And was looking for her book since then.

Takda duit and takda buku.

Luckily time cuti ni, masa pergi Popular, terjumpa her book. Nasib baik. Kalau tidak, terbeli la buku yang bukan-bukan.

Ehm, well... got to go. Till next time hehehe~

Mum's Talk

2012-01-31T22:12:00.002+08:00

This happened about an hour ago.

Mum and I were watching news.

Suddenly she asked about Mr J.

I was like.... erm, macam mana mau cerita ni? Why she suddenly ask? Dan pelbagai lagi persoalan dalam kepala. I don't know why she suddenly ask.

Dia tau we broke up. Cuma sampai sekarang, I'm not sure Mr J ada bagitau family dia atau tidak about this. I hope he did. Sebab sekarang he's here.

I told mum, MR J ada contact. Via facebook.

And last night, he called.
Cuma miss call...

I answered, dia letak.

When I look at the number, aku perasan tu number lama dia. Number yang dia beli masa first time balik dari Jepun. His brother bagi dia number Celcom. Post-paid. Paid by his brother. He bought another number, Maxis. Supaya senang kitorang nak contact.

Aku masih ingat, the first time he texted me with that number, dia cakap nak kenal. Aku tak layan. And he called. He said his name was Adam. I can hear him smiling masa dia cakap "I'm Adam" ... :)

Sweet memory.

I remember the number. The same number that called me last night and tak jawab bila aku cakap "Hello" ...

I told mum.

Dia tanya, kalau-kalau kitorang ada bincang elok-elok about our problem.

To me mum, Mr J nampak matang. Tak dinafikan. He's been away and living on his own since he was 16. Of course dia lebih matang. And older than Mr E.

Then mum said, "Maybe it's you yang tidak sabar"...

Buat aku terdiam sekejap.

Why must she talk about this now? Maybe dia nak suruh aku fikir bagus-bagus sebelum MR E and me move to to the next phase in our relationship... maybe. I don't know.

We talked agak lama juga...

Mum nampak macam prefer Mr J. Maybe sebab kematangan. Or maybe sebab dia belum kenal Mr E so she's a bit worried.

I told her... I wish I can combine both personalities.

Dua-dua ada kelebihan and kekurangan. And who am I untuk mintak lebih-lebih?
Diri sendiri pun banyak kekurangan.

Mum said, "Well, it's up to you. I just hope that who ever you choose, he'll take good care of you."

I hope for the same thing as well mum...

I know mum is worried. I am too. I'm not very good in handling relationship.

Sebab utama : Aku tak suka dikongkong and be told what should and should not I do.

Rimas. I think Mr J can't handle that. Same goes to Mr E tapi Mr E ada kelebihan dalam bab kesabaran. I'll turn down a notch perangai yang ini cos dia dah handle lebih dari yang sepatutnya hahahaha~

Haishhhh..~

Mum... dalam banyak-banyak topik, kenapa mesti yang ini...

Another sleepless night for me =.=

Why Did I End Up Falling For You?

2012-01-30T20:43:00.004+08:00

A song by Tohoshinki

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

(Doushite kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou?)

(Why did I end up falling for you?)

Tohoshinki - Why Did I Fall In Love With You.MP3

Powered by mp3skull.com

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

どんなに時が流れても君はずっと

ここにいると、思ってたのに

でも君が選んだのは違う道

どうして君に何も伝えられなかったんだろう？

毎日毎晩募ってく思い

あふれ出す言葉、わかってたのに

（もう届かない）

始めて出会った、その日から

君を知っていた気がしたんだ

あまりに自然に溶け込んでしまった二人

どこへ行くのにも一緒で

君がいることが当然で

僕らは二人で大人になってきた

でも君が選んだのは違う道

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

どんなに時が流れても君はずっと

ここにいると、思ってたのに

（もうかなわない）

特別な意味を持つ今日を

幸せ顔で立つ今日を

きれいな姿で神様に誓ってる君を

僕じゃない人の隣で

祝福されてる姿を

僕はどうやって見送ればいいのだろう

もう、

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

あの頃も、僕らのこと、もう戻れない

（考えた）もう戻れない（考えた）

どうして君の手を掴み奪えなかったんだろう？

どんなに時が流れても君はずっと

僕の横に、するはずだった

（もうかなわない）

それでも君が僕のそばなれていても

永遠に君が幸せであること

ただ願ってる

たとえそれがどんなに寂しくても

（切なくても）

* * * * *

Romaji and English translation

Doushite kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou?

Doushite kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou?

Donna ni toki ga nagaretemo kimi wa zutto

Koko ni iru to, omotteta no ni

Demo kimi ga eranda no wa chigau michi

Doushite kimi ni nani mo tsutaerarenakattan darou?

Mainichi maiban tsunotteku omoi

Afuredasu kotoba, wakatteta no ni (mou todokanai)

Hajimete deatta, sono hi kara

Kimi wo shitteita ki ga shitan da

Amari ni shizen ni tokekonde shimatta futari

Doko e iku no ni mo issho de

Kimi ga iru koto ga touzen de

Bokura wa futari de otona ni natte kita

Demo kimi ga eranda no wa chigau michi

Doushite kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou?

Donna ni toki ga nagaretemo kimi wa zutto

Koko ni iru to, omotteta no ni (mou kanawanai)

Tokubetsu na imi wo motsu kyou wo

Shiawase kao de tatsu kyou wo

Kirei na sugata de kami sama ni chikatteru, kimi wo

Boku ja nai hito no tonari de

Shukufuku sareteru sugata wo

Boku wa dou yatte miokureba ii no darou?

Mou doushite kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou?

Ano koro mo, bokura no koto, mou moderenai (kangaeta) mou modorenai (kangaeta)

Doushite kimi no te wo tsukami ubaenakattan darou?

Donna ni toki ga nagaretemo kimi wa zutto

Boku no yoko ni, iru hazu datta (mou kanawanai)

Sore demo kimi ga boku no soba narete itemo

Eien ni kimi ga shiawase de aru koto

Tada negatteru

Tatoe sore ga donna ni sabishikutemo (setsunakutemo)

* * * * *

Why did I end up falling for you?

Why did I end up falling for you?

No matter how much time has passed

I still thought you were right here

But you've already chosen a different path

Why couldn't I call out to you at all?

Every day and night growing emotions

And words overflow

But I realized that

They'd never reach you again

Since that day I first met you

I felt like I already knew you

You and I melded into each other so smoothly

It was natural for me to be where you were

The two of us grew up together

But you've already chosen a different path

Why did I end up falling for you?

No matter how much time has passed

I still thought you were right here

Now we can't turn back

The special meaning held by this day

Today you stood with a happy expression

You looked beautiful while praying to god

But I wasn't the one next to you

And the image of you receiving blessings

Of that how could I let go?

Why did I end up falling for you?

How we were before

We can't return to it anymore (I've thought it through, thought it through)

Why didn't I hold on to your hand?

No matter how much time has passed

You should've always been by my side (never changing)

But still, even if I'm nowhere near you anymore

I'm praying that you

May be happy for eternity

No matter how much that would make me lonely (no matter how lonely)

Heartache

2012-01-30T20:16:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I felt fine.

Well... not really. No mood to eat. No mood for any entertainment.
I just sat in my room. Reading.

I felt fine before. During mass. But dunno why, that feeling came back. I can feel my heart is crying. really hard. I can hear it sobbing. It makes me feel sadder than before.

Lord please....

Random Thoughts

2012-01-28T14:51:00.004+08:00

Saturday afternoon.
Bermalas-malasan.
I woke up a bit late today.

sebab tak perlu membasuh pakaian manually hahaha. Mum and I bought washing machine yesterday. Smaller than the one yang sudah rosak. 8.5kg je... Well, bagus ada dari tak ada. I can't imagine mum have to wash semua pakaian when I'm not here nanti.

I guess, habit membasuh manually tu susah nak buang. dari hostel, ke rumah. So this morning, walau pun dah sedia terbangun lewat, I still did my own washing. Hahahaha~

Masa turun, mum saw me bawa baldi berisi pakaian siap basuh.

"Eh, I was waiting for your clothes untuk basuh sekali," said mum.

I told mum it was just few pieces and I thought dia dah basuh semua pakaian sebab dah lewat. Aku turun pun dah pukul 11am okay hahahaha~

Pergi dapur... My bother Yoyo sedang goreng telur. Aku pun mintak sekali. lama gila weii tak breakfast fried egg dengan toast bread. Nyum nyum ~

Last night, I baked another cake. Cake aku buat semua kosong hahaha. Except for the flavours la. Nasib ada perisa tambahan. Aku ingat nak beli chocolate chip or apa untuk masukkan sekali dalam adunan tapi selalu tak teringat.

Dad like the last one I did. He packed some untuk bawa kerja. Patut la cepat habis :)

Last night, selepas siap masak untuk makan malam, aku terus buat kek. My little sister helped me. And my little brother "helped" dengan cara beliau tersendiri.

Belle and Ekiel.
The helper and the monkey.

Ekiel baru balik main basketball. I was taking Belle's photo and dia pun nak masuk sekali. And he entertained us dengan Usher punya dancing - his style =.=

Dia menari macam tengkorak menari okay. Cos he's sooo thin hahahaha~

Butter, sugar and eggs.

Baking process.

Done !

Me mum and sister-in-law pula sibuk dengan projek diorang masing-masing. Di bawah ni adalah contoh projecft mummy ...

Nice kan?

Menurut Mum, she's preparing semua ni untuk me and Belle. Kalau nak kahwin nanti senang. semua benda dah ada. Dah banyak dia buat. Persiapan untuk kahwin. Cuma masalah sekarang, calon pun masih samar-samar wakakakakaka~

Belle punya kelengkapan yang dah banyak siap. Mine belum.

Talking about kahwin...

Mr J message me in facebook. Asked why did I unfriend him.

There are many reasons why aku unfriend dia.

I need to move on. I can't do that kalau hampir tiap kali buka facebook, aku selalu nak tengok updates dari dia. True, kitorang dah janji will remain friend. Tapi susah bagi aku and I know, susah juga bagi dia.

Kadang-kadang, dia boleh naik angin or terasa dengan status aku (yang tak ada kaitan dengan dia pun). Dia pernah unfriend aku. And lepas tu dia send friend request balik. Tersilap langkah mungkin bila aku approve balik friend request dia.

He message me...

Pagi ni aku baca message tu...

Aku rasa... ntah.

Bohong la kalau aku kata akuy dah boleh 100% buang dia dari ingatan. we were friend since high school. And then jadi lebih dari kawan... Broke up and what do you think? Few months cukup untuk erase everyhting?

I don't plan untuk erase everyhting. Aku cuma tak mau ada lagi perasaan lebih dari seorang kawan towards him. My mistake also for moving on too fast.

Moving on secepat mungkin ada kebaikan and keburukan bagi aku.

Haishh ~

Actually, now... Being here in Bintulu, dengan dia pun ada kat sini... Aku rasa part of me really want to see him. But another part of me says NO.

Me in between... I don't know what I want.

Mr E in Penang call everyday. Asking me kalau aku ada jumpa Mr J.

I know Mr E is worry.

I still have feelings for Mr J. Ada lagi sisa-sisa. But I know I don't want to go back together with him. Beberapa bulan with Mr E made me realise few things. Few things yang aku rasa Mr J takkan mampu nak bagi aku.

One of it is rasa secure and respect.

I care about Mr J.

But he never knew that. Dia cuma dapat baca perasaan 'cemburu'. And itu buat dia rimas (according to him).

Even when I ask how is he pun dia boleh fikir yang aku tengah cemburu pasal something =.=

Apart from that, he's okay. As a friend, bagi aku dia okay...

I think he's okay kalau tidak berjauhan.

Dear God, please help me to forget him.

Holiday

2012-01-27T00:14:00.007+08:00

Semester holiday. Chinese New Year holiday. Back in Bintulu. Only for a month. Cukup la aku rasa. Tak berjalan ke mana-mana pun setakat ni. And tak plan untuk ke mana-mana.

First and second week home, aku demam. Flu and fever. Benda biasa terjadi. Sampaikan mum said, "Boring la see you. Every time balik, sure demam". Well mum, if you're boring, me fed-up...

Balik kampung, balik rumah means one thing for me.

Jadi housewife sementara. Become mummy's boy. Jadi extra hands and what ever for her. The next day aku di Bintulu, awal-awal pagi, mum and I hantar my little sister to school. Special kan? Dua orang hantar sorang budak. Special sangat la hari tu. Mum sebenarnya asked me to accompany her untuk dengar ceramah or taklimat dari guru besar sekolah and few teachers berkenaan UPSR and also updates. Kiranya macam perhimpunan khas untuk ibu bapa la ni. Untuk parents yang anak dia tahun ni (2012) darjah 6 and bakal menduduki UPSR September akan datang and also untuk parents yang anak dia baru masuk darjah 1.

Aku duduk bersama para ibu bapa

It was verrrrrryyyy cold. Adik aku sekolah di St. Anthony. Dekat dengan lapangan terbang lama Bintulu yang sekarang jadi laluan short cut ke town. Area tu sangat la luas, tanpa ada halangan apa-apa. Angin pagi tu pula bukan sepoi-sepoi bahasa tapi sepoi-sepoi kurang hajar... Sejuk !!

Itu la juga antara punca aku demam. Selain dari tak cukup rehat (habis exam terus packing and tak cukup tidur) and sebab-sebab lain yang aku sendiri malas nak kenal pasti.

Masa ni, aku experience balik apa yang dah lama aku tak buat.

Perhimpunan kan.

Of course la ada sesi berdiri tegak and nyanyi Negaraku and Ibu Pertiwiku (lagu kebangsaan negeri Sarawak).... I was shocked sebenarnya bila guru besar ajak ibu bapa bangun and nyanyi. Aku tengok keliling, semua bangun tanpa banyak soal. Like they all do that everyday. I looked at my mum and my aunt yang duduk sebelah aku, diorang pun dah berdiri tegak setegak-tegaknya. Like they're in the military camp or something. Sikit lagi aku nak ambil gambar.

Tapi tak tau la kenapa, tiba-tiba aku takut ada pengganas... eh, pengawas akan rampas handphone.

Selepas habis nyanyi lagu kebangsaan, aku ingat diorang nak teruskan nyanyi lagu sekolah and baca ikrar. Nasib baik tidak.

The session was informative... sikit. Boring banyak. Tapi aku terhibur melihat guru besar memegang mic macam Mike Shinoda tengah nyanyi masa buat konsert. Serius brutal.

Well, boring maybe sebab aku dah lama tak dengar benda-benda macam ni. Listening to lectures and other talks is different. dengar cikgu membebel pasal disiplin and benda-benda lain adalah ... Well, different. It's boring. But untuk parents, semua tu memang penting la.

Aku cuma interested part kelas tambahan and also tarikh UPSR. Well, adik aku nak UPSR kan. Haruslah tunjuk minat. Kalau dia tak lulus cemerlang, siap la...

Good thing about that morning :

Habis-habis je sesi "perhimpunan" tu, my aunt bawa kitorang breakfast. Mee Kolok. Nyaman tidak terkata bila makan Mee Kolok di tempat sendiri. Nyaman ok? adakah anda sedang membaca blog post ini Cik Melod? Kalau iya, tunggu la satu lagi post pasal makanan, okay? hahaha~

Holiday setakat ini sangat menghiburkan sebab di rumah, ada dua ekor kera... eh, budak... yang sangat entertaining. Salah seorang daripada budak itu adalah beliau di bawah ni :

Hi Bulan !
Bulan : Watcha lookin' at?

Audrey Sheema Bulan Roger.

My niece yang baru pandai berjalan. Well, tak la baru sangat. Masa aku sampai rumah, zupp-zaap-zzuup-zaaap dia lari ke dapur. She called me Auntie Nyo Nyo. Supposed to be Auntie Nono. Ada cerita di sebalik nama tersebut. Her brother yang bagi nama tu pada aku.

Masa dia (si abang) kecik, kalau dia nak buat sesuatu yang terlarang, kalau mak dia dah tak boleh nak tegur, mak dia akan suruh aku yang tegur. So, aku akan buat muka garang and say, "Auntie say NO... NO. Don't go there/do that/etc" ...

Sampai sekarang nama tu melekat. And adik dia pun ikut sama panggil aku dengan nama yang sama. Cuma dia masih pelat, jadi Nono becomes Nyonyo...

Baru bangun tidur.
Agak bad mood.

Budak ni jenis yang suka mengajuk orang. And advance sikit bab speech berbanding her brother. And sangat expressionist. Especially dengan body language. Susah nak describe. Kalau korang ada kat tempat aku, every day geram and tak sabar tunggu, apa show ari ni...

Every morning, aku turun ke bawah terus cari budak ni. I wanna see her face and also menunggu her first word untuk aku pada hari tersebut. Everyday is different. The best "goodmorning" so far yang aku dapat dari beliau adalah :

"Auntie Nyonyo sot"

Thank you Bulan. Ayat itu memang mengundang ciuman di pipi anda.

Aktiviti lain masa cuti :

Baking. Masak. Makan. Merlin marathon.

Apa lagi kau expect aku buat?

Flour, butter and sugar.

Masa mula-mula masuk oven.

Halfway there.

Sudah siap.

Simpan untuk tea time.

I baked two cakes setakat ni. Both aku buat malam-malam lepas dinner. First time buat sebab boring. Second time buat sebab lupa nak beli bread untuk breakfast untuk keesokan paginya so, I baked cake di atas. Bahan-bahan ada jadi, buat la.

Selain dari kerja-kerja menggemukkan di atas, aku juga "terpaksa" bersenam.

Mesin basuh rosak. Dah tak boleh spin. Dad tried fixing it tapi memang tak boleh baiki dah. So, everyday, kena basuh pakaian guna tangan. Manual washing la. Membasuh bukanlah satu masalah bagi aku.

Yang menjadikan membasuh itu satu masalah adalah apabila everyday ko kena basuh dua tiga tuala.

Memang nak patah la tangan.

Aku pun pelik. Siapa la yang campak tuala hari-hari dalam baldi. Turns out that, everyday adalah hari yang berlainan. Well, orang dalam rumah ni bukan dua tiga orang. Nak dekat sepuluh orang.

Paling parah, cuaca pula tak sporting. Mesin basuh rosak, dia pun start menangis hari-hari (hujan laaa). Pakaian yang hand washed dengan machine washed, banyaaaak beza. Basuh pakai tangan of course lebih bersih. Tapi lambbbbaaattt gila nak kering. especially bila hari-hari cuaca romantis. Aku rasa aku dah perah sekuat-kuat tenaga tapi, apa la sangat tenaga manusia kalau nak dibandingkan dengan tenaga mesin basuh, ye tak?

Cerita pasal mesin basuh, my sister layan Tutor TV di Astro. Hari tu dia ada tengok 1 science game show. Menurut game show tersebut, korang boleh masak telur ayam dalam mesin basuh yang tengah spin. Telur tu masuk dalam bekas la, Lepas tu spin dalam washing machine.

Nanti kalau ke rumah sapa-sapa yang ada mesin basuh, aku nak try.

Cerita tambahan pasal mesin basuh tapi agak tidak berkaitan.

Mum ajak aku survey mesin basuh. Tapi kami melencong sedikit sebab adik-adik yang ikut sekali tiba-tiba mengadu lapar. Padahal baru lepas lunch. So, we went to Sugar Bun. The nearest kedai makan/restoran pada ketika itu. Plus, aku memang mengidam Chicken Burger and Three Layer Tea dia.

Ekiel's plate.

Dia sorang makan heavy.

Sebelum tu dia makan nasi tambah 2 kali.

And then makan maggi dua bungkus.

Lepas tu, ini...

Extra information about my brother :

Ikut Chinese Calendar, dia lahir tahun babi.

Bila tengok cara dia makan, korang agak-agak... Ada kaitan tak?

hahahahahaha~ Habis tu, kakak dia yang lahir tahun tikus ni pun pattern makan lebih kurang sama. Aku rasa chinese Calendar patut tambah 1 lagu untuk tikus. Guinea pig. Tikus yang kiut dan pelahap.

3 layer tea.

My Chicken Burger and Belle's (my sis) mashed potatoes

di belakang tu.

Mashed potatoes yang akhirnya menjadi hak milik kami semua.

Sugar Bun punya Chicken Burger tak pakai sos biasa.

This is what I love pasal burger ni.

Holiday masih panjang. As much as I'm having fun setakat ni, kerisauan itu tetap ada. I'm very worried about my result actually. Aku seriously rasa aku tak buat yang terbaik untuk semester ni. Apa-apa pun, I really hope I won't get C for any course. Cukup la 1 assignment je dapat c this semester. Aku tak nak transkrip akhir nanti ada satu abjad ganjil >.<

Well, I hope you guys enjoy your holiday as well ^^

When I Can't Sleep...

2012-01-17T05:11:00.004+08:00

I'll turn on my laptop, open Facebook, open my blog, read other blogs and stare at my laptop screen until my eyes are tired.

Tonight is another sleepless night for me. It has been like... 2, 3 days? More I guess; I didn't get enough sleep or didn't sleep at all. I don't really remember what happened. Except for today. I went out with him.

I'm not feeling very well today. I'm down with flu and then comes the headache and baru sebentar tadi... stomachache.

Not good.

After err... "doing my big business" in the loo, balik bilik and start reading journals for my last paper tomorrow (18 Jan).

Cinema Studies ~

One good news for me today. All this while, I thought I score badly for this paper. I though I got a B for my assignment. Aku tak pergi collect assignment dari bilik lecturer. Cuma tengok carry marks yang dia letak dalam e-Learning. She sum up everything. I only manage to get an A- untuk keseluruhan carry mark. My assignment... well, our assignment, dia cuma catatkan markah. I counted my marks manually and jumlah yang aku dapat tidak memberangsangkan. It made me feel down a bit.

You see... this semester has been a total bitch for me. Sangat sukar. Walau pun tak banyak units but the workload is like more than 20 units. I've been skipping class untuk siapkan projek bagi kursus major. Termasuk lah kelas elective yang sebenarnya sangat mudah nak score tapi masa exam aku tak tau apa aku jawab.

My sleeping pattern pun dah jadi macam tak betul. Getting worse. During my 1st year, aku masih lagi mampu dapatkan masa tidur sejam untuk kembali fresh. But now... that one hour pun rasanya dah kena curik dari aku. The most I can get now is like 30 mins. Sometimes 15 mins. And that's not enough bila kau dah berjaga nak dekat 2 hari. Berjaga tak buat apa-apa tak apa la. Ini tidak. Ke sana ke mari...

Physically and mentally tired.

This semester, first time kot aku dapat C for assignment. Surprisingly, untuk paper Television Studies (Kajian Televisyen). I admit, it was my mistake. I didn't write that paper dengan bersungguh-sungguh sebab aku focus more on our MCP (Multiple Camera Production), Rencana and also Live Reports untuk paper major. Dengan jadual penggambaran yang agak padat, I just read briefly journals and articles on the subject I wrote.

Secondly, I chose the wrong topic. I'm not good in writing about gender and representation. This is one of my weakest topic kot. There are other choices yang lebih familiar. Termasuklah topik yang aku suka - kawalan dan pemilikan. Sedikit politik dan ekonomi di situ. When I chose to do gender and representation, aku agaak-agak... boleh buat. If I can do kawalan dan pemilikan, why not gender? So both assignments for this course, aku buat gender dan representasi.

Wrong choice. I got C. Lesson learned the hard way.

So, during final, I tried to answer sebaik mungkin. especially soalan berkenaan kawalan dan pemilikan media. And... Aku jawab juga soalan gender (bodoh!) ...

Jadi sekarang ~ we just wait and see... I really hope I won't get C for this paper. Biar la assignment saja yang dapat C but final... a big No-No. Never got C before and hopefully kali ini juga tidak.

Back to Cinema Studies. My assignments was about a film by U-Wei. An old film. Ehm... tak la lama sangat. Early 90's. I wrote about feminist theory. Teori awal and juga psikoanalisis oleh Mulvey. Yang ini juga sedikit menggerunkan sebab bercakap tentang gender (feminis kan). Tapi berbeza dengan apa yang aku tulis untuk Kajian Televisyen.

The marks... macam aku cakap awal-awal tadi, aku kira sendiri. Jadi, aku main agak-agak, dapat B la kot. or maybe kurang dari tu. So I was a bit down. Lagipun, dalam kuliah terakhir, lecturer ada bincangkan topik ni based on the same film and kesimpulan yang aku buat adalah lain dari apa yang lecturer bagi.

When I went to her office untuk ambik assignment, tuuuu ... paling bawah assignment aku haha. I opened terus last page and there it was... an A-.

Hahahahahaha~ senyum sekejap. A- pun A- la.

I read her comment. Betul la sangkaan aku. Bab kesimpulan kurang jelas. And keliru. Hujah akhir tak ada umph. Ya, memang tak ada umph sebab aku re-wrote the assignment 2 kali sampai aku pun dah tak pasti macam mana nak menerangkan apa aku fikir dalam kesimpulan.

That is my mistake for this assignment. Termasuk kecuaian ejaan. Typo error. Untuk 2 perkataan. Idea yang aku eja sebagai "Ide" and nama khas yang depannya huruf kecik.

I'm glad I went there untuk ambik assignment aku. Sekurang-kurangnya, kalau keluar soalan ni, boleh la tulis balik apa yang dah ditulis dalam assignment, ye tak? Maybe ada sedikit berlainan soalannya but I already have an idea for this topic. Kan?

Lepas holiday, last semester in USM (I hope, I really really hope!).

Tomorrow last paper. I hope I did well untuk paper sebelum ni. Perasaan "well" tu tak ada. But with God's willing... Aku harap-harap la, dapat maintain perkembangan pointer. Since 2nd semester, pointer naik sikit-sikit. I really hope this semester macam tu juga.

Banyak lagi aku nak cerita sebenarnya. But I need to get back reading my journals and etc.

Till next time.

Promise

2012-01-14T19:15:00.002+08:00

I really hate it when people don't keep their promise.

Kenapa la kau nak berjanji bagai nak rak kalau kau tak mampu nak keep the promise? Kau tau aku jenis yang cepat excited (to those yang tak tau, sila ambil perhatian).

Orang yang cepat excited ni, bila kau dah janji, I mean.. Bila kau dah cakap "JANJI" and kau banyak kali remind aku pasal janji tu, aku akan jadi excited, paham tak? walau pun janji tu janji kecik2 je. Pasal benda2 yang nonsense pun.

Contohnya janji nak berak sama2.

Aku akan excited jugak.

Jadi, bila kau tiba-tiba kata, tak sure la, maybe tak jadi la, apa la...

Kau memang cari mati.

Kau paham?

Kau. Memang. Cari. Mati.

無限大 (Infinity)

2012-01-09T01:18:00.011+08:00

Stepu-chan introduce me to this song by 関ジャニ∞ (Kanjani8). The lyric is just so beautiful.

Kanjani8 ( 関ジャニ∞)

It's about friendship.
Well, aku tak nak cakap banyak, you guys enjoy the lyric and the song.
It really mean something to me so, aku rasa this song goes out to orang yang aku anggap kawan, and those who consider me as their friend also ^^

Hosted by kiwi6.com file hosting.
Download mp3 - Free File Hosting.

友情真実夢希望幸せ

Yujo Shinjitsu Yume Kibou Shiawase

Friendship. Truth. Dreams. Hope. Happiness.

笑顔勇気旅立ち

Egao Yuki Tabidachi

Smiles. Courage. Journey.

喜び悲しみ全て分け合って

Yorokobi kanashimi subete wakeatte

Sharing joy and sadness.

一緒に歩いて来た道

Issho ni aruite kita michi

The path we walked together.

偶然じゃないこの出会い

Guzen jyanai kono deai

It's not coincidence that we met.

色んな事感じ生きてきた日々

Ironna koto kanji ikite kita hibi

Day after day, we lived together experiencing different things.

溢れる思いは無限大

Afureru omoi wa mugendai

These overflowing emotions are infinite.

出会えた事が嬉しくて

Deaeta koto ga ureshikute

Just the fact that we met brings me joy.

なんだか涙が溢れてく

Nandaka namida ga afureteku

And I'm overcome with tears.

心に元気無限大大切な仲間

Kokoro ni genki mugendai taisetsu na nakama

Infinitely giving my heart more courage. My dear friends.

幾つもの季節が流れて

Ikutsumo no kisetsu ga nagarete

Many seasons have passed.

幾つもの切なさ知った

Ikutsumo no setsunasa shitta

I've come to known much hardships.

つまずいて転んだ時には

Tsumazukite koronda toki ni wa

When I stumbled and fell...

限りない弱さを知った

Kagirinai yowasa wo shitta

It was then that I realized my unlimited weakness.

夢に描いた世界はいつも

Yume ni egaita sekai wa itsumo

The world that I pictured in my dreams...

思うほど簡単じゃなくて

Omou hodo kantan jyanakute

Was not as easy to reach.

こぶし握って積み上げた日々は

Kobushi nigitte tsumi ageta hibi wa

The many days I spent with clenched fists...

たからものにかわるさ

Takara mono ni kawaru sa

Will change into treasured memories.

心の根っこそっくりで

Kokoro no nekko sokkuri de

Since our heart's origins are so alike.

色んな想いを分け合った

Ironna omoi wo wakeatta

We were able to share our feelings.

溢れる夢は無限大大切な仲間

Afrueru yume wa mugendai taisetsu na nakama

Overflowing dreams are infinite. My dear friends.

取り留めのない話で笑い合えた

Torime no nai hanashi de waraiaeta

We were able to laugh as we rambled on about nothing in particular.

あどけない透明な毎日

Adokenai toumei na mainichi

Everyday was pure and innocent.

この街が与えてくれたもの

Kono machi ga ataete kureta mono

The one thing that this town has given me...

かけがえのない希望の架け橋

Kakegae no nai kibou no kakehashi

A priceless bridge of hope.

幾つもの夜を見つめて

Ikutsumo no yoru wo mitsumete

Many nights I gazed at the sky.

幾つもの寂しさ知った

Ikutsumo no yasashisa shitta

I've come to known much loneliness.

悲しくて涙がこぼれて

Kanashikute namida ga koborete

Tears started to fall from the sadness...

限りない優しさ知った

Kagirinai yasashisa shitta

It was then that I realized people's unlimited kindness.

思い焦がれた世界は

Omoi kogareta sekai wa

The world that I yearned for...

いつも遠くに感じたけれど

Itsumo tooku ni kanjita keredo

Always seemed too far to reach, but...

心繋いで駆け抜けた日々は

Kokoro tsunaide kakenuketa hibi wa

The days I spent running with my heart held close to me...

かけがえのないものさ

Kakegae no nai mono sa

Are priceless.

生きてることが嬉しくて

Ikiteru koto ga ureshikute

Just the fact that I'm living brings me joy.

なんだか心が熱くなる

Nandaka kokoro ga atsuku naru

And my heart begins to burn.

溢れる思い無限大永遠の仲間

Afureru omoi mugendai eien no nakama

Overflowing emotions are infinite. My eternal friends.

ありがとう優しさ

Arigatou yasashisa

Thank you, for your kindness.

ありがとう切なさ

Arigatou setsunasa

Thank you, for your sadness.

ありがとう全てに

Arigatou subete ni

Thank you, for everything.

忘れないきっと

Wasurenai kitto

I will never forget it.

出会えた事が嬉しくて

Deaeta koto ga ureshikute

Just the fact that we met brings me joy.

なんだか涙が溢れてく

Nandaka namida ga afureteku

And I'm overcome with tears.

いつしか遠く離れても

Itsushika tooku hanarete mo

Even if we suddenly were to be split far apart.

確かな絆は途切れない

Tashika na kizuna wa togirenai

Our definite bond will not be broken.

心に元気無限大大切な仲間

Kokoro ni genki mugendai taisetsu na nakama

Infinitely giving my heart more courage. My dear friends.

My dear friends

ありがとう

Arigatou

Thank you.

* * * * * *

Well, there you have it.

Walau pun tak se"hensem" entertainers or singers dari Korea but most Japanese songs lebih bermakna berbanding Korean songs (bagi aku la) ...

Sebelum end this post, lagi gambar Kanjani8 ^^

*Credit to Live.Love.Laugh for the lyrics and translation.

2012-01-05T19:55:00.002+08:00

Su ki na Hito
video from Dailymotion

A song by Kiroro. "Suki na hito" means "The One I Love". Cheesy ~ but I love this song.

好きな人がつらい時に

一緒にいてあげられない

今すぐ逢いに行って

ギュッてきつく抱きしめたい

Suki na hito ga tsurai toki ni

Issho ni ite agerarenai

Ima sugu ai ni itte

Gyu tte kitsuku dakishimetai

When the one I love is in pain,

I can't be with him.

I want to see him right now

And hold him tightly.

これからずっと2人だから

神様きっと試練下した

幸せすぎると後でダメになる

だからこんな時乗り越えよう

Kore kara zutto futari dakara

Kami-sama kitto shiren kudashita

Shiawase sugiru to ato de dame ni naru

Dakara konna toki norikoeyou

From now on we'll always be together,

So God must be testing us.

If we're too happy now, it'll all fall apart later,

So we have to overcome this stretch of time.

逢えなくなるね見送るよ

さよならの前に抱き合う

背中にまわされた大きな手

Aenaku naru ne miokuru yo

Sayonara no mae ni dakiau

Senaka ni mawasareta ooki na te

We're going to be separated, I'll go see you off,

We embrace before saying goodbye.

Your hands around my back were so big.

あの頃ずっとあなたを

独り占めしていたよね

今では声だけでも

こんなに大切なのに

Ano koro zutto anata wo

Hitorijime shiteita yo ne

Ima de wa koe dake demo

Konna ni taisetsu na no ni

Back then,

I really monopolized you, didn't I?

Even though, now,

Just your voice is this precious to me.

逢えなくなるね見送るよ

さよならの前に抱き合う

顔を上げて頬寄せて笑顔でいった

Aenaku naru ne miokuru yo

Sayonara no mae ni dakiau

Kao wo agete hoho yosete egao de itta

We're going to be separated, I'll go see you off,

We embrace before saying goodbye.

I look up, you let go of my cheek, you left with a smile.

電話やベルかけまくって

気持ち伝えているのに

どうしてこんな風に

涙ばかりあふれてる

Denwa ya beru kakemakutte

Kimochi tsutaeteiru no ni

Doushite konna fuu ni

Namida bakari afureteru

You tell me your feelings

Over the phone and pager,

So why do the tears

Keep overflowing like this?

逢えなくなるね見送るよ

さよならの前に抱き合う

背中にまわされた大きな手

Aenaku naru ne miokuru yo

Sayonara no mae ni dakiau

Senaka ni mawasareta ooki na te

We're going to be separated, I'll go see you off,

We embrace before saying goodbye.

Your hands around my back were so big.

逢えなくなるね見送るよ

さよならの前に抱き合う

顔を上げて頬寄せて笑顔でいった

Aenaku naru ne miokuru yo

Sayonara no mae ni dakiau

Kao wo agete hoho yosete egao de itta

We're going to be separated, I'll go see you off,

We embrace before saying goodbye.

I look up, you let go of my cheek, you left with a smile.

逢えなくなるね見送るよ

さよならの前に抱き合う

背中にまわされた大きな手

Aenaku naru ne miokuru yo

Sayonara no mae ni dakiau

Senaka ni mawasareta ooki na te

We're going to be separated, I'll go see you off,

We embrace before saying goodbye.

Your hands around my back were so big.

離れてても心の中君がいるから

Hanaretetemo kokoro no naka kimi ga iru kara

Even if we're apart, you're still in my heart.

*Lyric and translation from Blue Light Translations
*Siapa tau translation lebih accurate, please inform ya? ^^

Confession :
Listening to Kiroro make me remember Mr J. He was the one who introduce me to Kiroro and their songs. And this, really remind me of him.

Behind Every Smile

2012-01-02T02:25:00.004+08:00

2nd January 2012.
Listening to Yuki Kajiura's A Little Bit of Happiness.

I went through my personal journal. Reminiscing past events in my life. It's sugar and spice ~ blend sama-sama hahaha. Kalau betul mesti taste weird.

Well, aku ada habit untuk tidak membuka halaman pertama journal even time aku sedang menulis pun. End of the year, baru aku akan buka balik and read all the entries. Satu persatu. Some of the entries buat aku mengalir air mata dugong =.=' ~ shame ~ shame ~ luckily, aku duduk bilik sorang.

2011 start out not good.

I was at home during New Year. Up stair in my room. I just came from New Year mass, sat in my room and wrote my first journal entry for 2011 while people celebrate dengan fire crackers and all. I can hear my neighbours mengucap selamat and wishing each other happy new year. Dad was not in a good mood that time. He was as usual, picking fight with mum. Mum ignored him and went straight to room. I don't know what happened after that down stair. I don't want to know.

I remember I prayed to Holy Mother. I asked (again) for happiness and peace in our family. I asked Her to grant my wish ~ not to celebrate New Year alone. And not to celebrate New Year listening to dad's screaming at us. At mum.

I don't know what went wrong. I ended up alone that night. In tears. Writing my 1st 2011 entry.

Journey to Penang was quite a drama ^^

I nearly miss my filght sebab tertidur hahaha. I travelled alone that time. few days after New Year. I spent the night in LCCT. Tidur atas beg =.=' ... Thank God, I arrived safely in Penang.

First thing I did the next day in Penang was meeting my lecturer. She asked for my assignment. Buat contoh katanya. She said, my group work was a mistake for me. I got high marks for my final. I got an A. But my course work tarik markah. I was happy for few seconds and then sedih balik bila dengar pasal course work haha. Well, past is past. Kena pandang depan!

Maybe God tak mau aku jadi besar kepala. Well, I'm just happy I survived another semester. Being here, among all these youngsters yang pandai-pandai sometimes make me feel small. I have to work 5 times more than them to catch up. Seriously tiring. But I love studying. That's why I'm here...

"God has been so good to me."

That's what I wrote on 7th January.

I prayed for my brother Ekiel. For his study. And for mine as well. I promised Him that I will do something in return if He help my brother. He gave me what I deserve. Better than what I expected. And He gave Ekiel something extraordinary. Something that made mum proud of him. That made mum berupaya untuk mengangkat muka and tell those people that his son is not stupid as they said.

I'm happy. For him. For Ekiel. And I did what I promised God.

Sunday, 9th January 2011 ~

Mr J's birthday. I wish him via FB. And email. And I prayed for his safety. And everything. This was the guy I love so much. The guy I thought I'll be spending my life with. This was the guy who promised me happiness. This was the guy who waited for me. And I, him...

It didn't work out for us. And we ended the waiting. The relationship. Until now, aku pun tak sure... What is my feeling for him now.

2011 - One of my grandma passed away. Multiple cancer cell in her brain. She was very old. Nothing can be done to cure. Again, I was far from home. Same situation when my grandpa passed away few years back. But this time... I wasn't able to go back. The death, the burial, the prayers... Semuanya I get to see through photos sent by my cousin.

2011 - My cousin disahkan mengidap cancer darah. He got small kids. He was forced untuk stop bekerja. Chemo session yang banyak buat dia lemah and mengganggu masa bekerja. I went to Kcuhing General Hospital to see him. He look fat haha. Sebab chemo. He joked and laughed. So do we... Me and my cousin yang pergi melawat.

When it was time to leave, he asked me...

Do you have to go? Can you get me out? I feel so lonely here....

Oh dear Robin ~

If I have the power to get you out of there, to get you out of your sickness... I will. If God let me take your place, I will. I really will...

He remind me of late grandpa. Whenever we (my cousin and I) keluar lama atau ke mana-mana pun masa jaga dia di hospital dulu, dia akan duduk tegak di katil and looked at the ward door. Waiting for us to come back.

Bila sampai je, he will ask,"What took you so long? Don't leave me long."

I was left alone quite a lot in 2011. Banyak masa aku spend sendirian berbanding masa ramai-ramai. The only time I'm with ramai orang adalah masa kelas and time with CUS.

Memorable 27th birthday - I cried when CUS gave me a surprise birthday party. Something I didn't ecpect. Menangis terharu dan gembira.

Secara fizikalnya, I smiled a lot in 2011. But behind every smile, there's a story I want to keep. Stories only with God I can share. Stories that affect me dalam pelbagai cara dan situasi.

I tried to be a good person. Somehow, I think I failed.

I wanted to make people happy. But I'm incapable of making myself happy.

There are times I'll go for a walk and looked for rainbow. Masa bila aku betul-betul rasa aku tak boleh buat apa-apa untuk diri aku sendiri and also for those around me.

God is good. God is so good. He's so good.

Whenever I feel helpless or unhappy. Whenever I search for Him. Asking Him to come and cheer me up, He will answer straight away. When my grandma passed away, when I can't do anything for my cousin, whenever dad is screaming and fighting with mum, when Mr J and I ended things, when I felt defeated and wanted to give up...

He was there. He always gave me rainbow I asked for. Always.

In II Corinthians 9:8, God said :

"I am able..."

Yes God... You are. When things seems to be impossible, He told us in Luke 18:27 :

"All things are possible..."

He help me go through many hard journey. He helped me to come back and walk with Him.

"Cast all you cares on me" ... said the Lord in 1 peter 5:7 ...

"I give you wisdom" ... God promise in 1 Corinthians 1:30 ...

Behind every smile, there's a story God wrote for me when He created me and choose me to be one of His. Stories that will make me remember Him. Stories that will keep me closer to Him. Stories that remind me of Him.

Behind every smile, I cried. Life is hard. Getting harder each day. Sometimes I felt like giving up. Happiness and peace I long for my family seems a long way to go. Sometimes, it seems impossible.

But God promised that at the end of this journey, I'll be the happiest person I'll know.

Behind every smile, God said to me ~

Smile my child. Smile even when you're in tears. Let them see you're happy. Leave your sorrow only for me to see. Let your sadness be mine to mend. Smile and give the world what it needs. And I will give you, everything you need... Have faith in me. Have faith.

Dear Lord...
Thank you for 2011.
I want to walk with You again in 2012.

We still have stories to share. Broken heart to mend. And road to explore.

Help me find my way back to You, Father...

Family

2011-12-27T18:10:00.008+08:00

It's 27th of December 2011.

I didn't post up anything on Christmas. I was out - celebrating Christmas with my CUS (Catholic Undergraduate Society) family. There were lot of fun things happened and erm, after I get the photos from Amau, I'll update about Christmas, okie?

Sementara itu, nah ucapan Christmas from me :

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS !!!

It's never too late untuk wish Christmas kan? Sebab Christmas di Malaysia we celebrate sampai New Year hehehehe~

Okay, okay~ the title for this post is family. Ini adalah salah satu dari Christmas sedih for me sebab this year, I'm not going back to Bintulu. And I can't call my family juga sebab they all went back to our longhouse di Tinjar, Baram. Tak ada line telefon di sana, okay...

And to make things more sad, tahun ni juga my big family buat Family Reunion. Di longhouse. Long Aton, Tinjar, Baram....

Iya tuan-tuan dan puan-puan...

They're doing it di mana aku langsung tak boleh nak contact. Actually, sebelum jadual akademik untuk IPTA seluruh Malaysia dirombak, aku adalah salah seorang AJK untuk reunion ni. AJK gambar la. Apa lagi aku boleh buat kan? kan? kan?

Tetapi, seteleh Kementerian Pendidikan Tinggi dengan baik hatinya menukar tarikh cuti semester dan sebagainya, maka tersadailah aku di Penang ~ nasib baik tersadai bersama rakan-rakan yang senegeri. Kalau diorang pun pakat-pakat balik, sedih la beta...

But still ~ sedih tu masih terasa....

Our last family reunion was in 2008. Yang itu aku ikut. Di buat di Miri. Bertemakan Kebaya dan baju Batik. This year, we printed out our own t-shirt khas untuk reunion. And we planned games and makan-makan for the village people. Memang besar la reunion kali ini.

Sudah lebih 10 tahun aku tak balik rumah panjang. Even after grandpa passed away, aku tak balik. Aku pergi setakat Miri for his funeral. Lepas tu balik ke KL (I was wotking that time) ...

But aku sentiasa keep in touch dengan cousins, aunts and uncles di Miri yang selalu balik kampung. For your information, we... kenyah people masih lagi berpegang pada certain adat lama yang tidak bercanggah dengan ajaran agama Christian.

To give you an idea macam mana rupa rumah panjang masyarakat Kenyah Sarawak, ni... Some photos I grabbed from my cousin's facebook. Ini longhouse sebelah mummy. Kampung Long Aton, Tinjar, Baram...

Long Aton
(or LA we call it hehehehe)
Football field for the longhouse people and budak-budak sekolah SKLA

Another front view of LA longhouse.
Sangat panjang okay ~ can't take the full shot.
Semua gambar dari tepi.
I used to play bawah rumah with my cuzzies and late grandpa akan kejar us dengan rotan panjang cos we buat kotor :p

This was taken during Gawai Su'en in LA.
The thing diorang angkat, we call it "Kelawing".
Don't ask me what is that.
Ini adat lama yang my grandpa (adik nenek) cuba hidupkan kembali.

My uncles and grandpa (adik nenek).

2nd from the left ialah Ketua Kampung (my uncle).
Di tengah-tengah ialah Penghulu (my grandpa - adik nenek).

This is the view of our "use" (u-sae) in Kenyah.

Or "ruai" in Iban.
Or ruang tamu besar (kot) in Bahasa Malaysia hehehe
They were watching football match antara kampung LA and another kampung
(not sure which kampung)

Night time, ada persembahan Saga' (sa-gak).
Or Orang Ulu dance.

This is the Datun Julud dance.

Kids performing the Saga' dance.
Untuk lelaki dan perempuan.
This was taken during Fr Damien's ordain.

Also during Fr Damien's ordain.

This is Wawan.

My nephew.

Tolong nenek tengok kan api di dapur.
We still cook guna dapur arang.
Especially nasi.

This is some of my family members.

Taken during one outing di Miri.
This is just some of them yang ada di Miri.

Our reunion t-shirt this year.

Banyak colour dipertandingkan.

Purple got the most votes so... they printed out the purple one ^^
2nd photo - my bro (far left) with my aunt (2nd right) with our cousins jadi model baju reunion

This photo was taken during our 2008 family reunion.

My grandma (far left), Uko Purai (adik nenek) passed away earlier this year.

Masa 2008 punya reunion, my grandpa passed away earlier that year.

My grandma is 2nd from left ^^

Me and my grandma.
I got nearly all her traits.

Cannot makan babi, simpan duit sampai lupa where we keep it ~
Our favourite spot to keep money is under the mattress atau dalam bantal

Sekarang our favourite place to keep money is ASB.

And my grandma knows how to Skype.

Di bawah ni buktinya ~

She Skype with my aunt in Qatar.
When I called her few days after dia Skype with my aunt, she told me she saw my aunt in Carol's (my cousin) "mini tv"...

Masa mula-mula Uko (nenek/grandma) told me about the "mini tv" thing, I was a bit clueless. Our conversation lebih kurang macam ni :

Me : Uko, inu denga ko?

(Uko, how are you?)

Uko : Tega te su ke'. Kembi te iko' ni su?

(I'm fine here. Where are you now my?)

Me : Ka Penang ake ni uko. Blajan kini.

(I'm in Penang. Studying)

Uko : Midan iko' nai ule' na?

(When are you coming back?)

Me : Awai. Na'at layan o Uko. Ulek ke ujung uman ni o ta'in.

(Entah. Not sure yet Uko. Maybe I'll come back end of this year)

Uko : Kua' ina te dau Wek Julie ko. Ida panak pe nai ule' Christmas ni o.

(Your Aunt Julie said the same. She said they're coming back for Christmas)

Me : Un ko pisiu ngen ya? Midan ya telepon?

(U talked to her? Did she called?)

Uko : Abe'... Ake na'at ya dalam tv i'ut ka amin Eyo da. Un te ya pisiu ake. Ake ngelinga tua'...

(No, I saw her in this mini tv in ur Cousin Eyo's (Carol) house. She said something to me. I just listened to her...)

I was like... ????

And then she talked and talked and talked while I was busy wondering... Apa itu mini tv yang dia maksudkan.

And then my cousin explained that sebenarnya dia ber'skype' with my aunt hahahaha~
Mini tv ~ she said that too when she saw my desktop dalam bilik. Dia suruh on sebab nak tengok ASTRO Prima ~ cerita Sulaiman hahahahaha~

We're quite close to family sebelah mum. Maybe sebab jarak umur antara saudara mara yang tidak jauh. And we're crazy ~ Suka bergurau etc.... Jadi rapat. Compare to dad side yang pentingkan status and what not ~ plus, kitorang jarang kumpul ramai-ramai like we did on mum side.

Ada la few aunts and cousins sebelah daddy yang cool ~ but not as cool as my mum's side hehehe. Talking about my dad's family, bawah ni adalah photo yang di ambil entah pada kurun ke berapa. Me, my big bro Roger and little bro Jerry (budak pendek di tengah-tengah) with our cousins sebelah daddy (adik beradik).

Behind
Bro Roger, Bro Jerry and me (go go power rangers!)

In front

Michelle Kho, Jasmine Kho and Priscilla Kho

Their dad is Chinese mix with I don't know what. Their mum is my dad punya adik. They all grew up cantik. Me ~ still the ugly duckling. Plus fatter >.< ...

Well~ kalau nak cerita pasal family, sampai bila pun tak habis... I guess I have to stop here. Kalau ada sambungan, ada la.... ^^

Till then ~ Have a blessed New Year too ya ^^

Hebrew 13:5

2011-12-14T03:18:00.005+08:00

Says:
"Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have"

And it's not easy to do that. For me. Money selalunya adalah satu masalah besar dalam hidup aku, dari dulu sampai sekarang. Boros adalah satu sebab. But the main cause is sebab family aku memang tidak sesenang mana. Sometimes, memang kais pagi makan pagi (seriously). So, bila study and dapat duit pinjaman, aku akan makan apa yang aku tak dapat makan. Dulu la. sekarang pun sama tapi takde la mentekedarah macam dulu.

Okay~ This post is not about me and my uncontrolled eating habit. Tapi pasal seorang auntie yang sedikit sebanyak meningglkan kesan dalam hati aku.

Today, Catholic in Penang (some) ke gereja Our lady of Sorrow untuk Confession atau to accept the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Penance). It started at 8.30pm begitu. Ada prayer, scripture readings, reflection based on the Ten Commandments and then lepas tu closing prayer and proceed kepada Confession.

I was waiting for my turn untuk masuk ke Confessional Booth when I saw this old lady~ auntie la k... Sopan sikit. I already saw her earlier, depan aku. She's done with her Confession and say her Penance. She was on her way out. Dia stop depan aku to take Holy Water and do the Sign of The Cross. Lepas tu, dia pandang sebelah kanan, ada satu donation box. It's for the poor.

Well, this auntie....

Let me give you an idea of what she looked like masa aku nampak dia tadi....

Sangat tua. I think dalam 80 something. Or 70 ~ I'm not so sure, tapi dia berjalan terbongkok-bongkok. Grey hair, rambut nipis and pendek and I saw that her left eye macam tidak okay. maybe sebab dia dah tua. She was wearing this old green t-shirt. Lusuh. And tracksuit (I forgot the colour) yang juga kelihatan lusuh. Plus selipar jepun and plastik bag as her bag. Plastik bag tu pun aku tengok dah lusuh. Plastik yang macam dah banyak kali pakai. She looked poor (I'm not in a bad way here okay)...

So, this auntie pusing mengadap the donation box and seluk poket seluar dia. And I saw dia keluarkan macam few coins ~ 10 sen kalo tak silap cos the coins was small. She put them back in her pocket and then seluk lagi macam mencari sesuatu. Finally, aku nampak dia macam keluarkan 50sen and she put it into the donation box.

And that. Hit. Me. HARD.

Reflection

Sometimes, kalau attend mass, aku tengah sengkek gila. Memang tengah takda duit; cukup-cukup tambang pergi balik and makan after mass, I won't give anything masa offering. Normally, aku akan utamakan perut aku dulu. cos I really, really love to eat and can't skip meals. Alasannya, gastrik (which is true but this happened due to my weight yang semakin membimbangkan). I'm so used to eating banyak sampaikan kalau tak cukup makan, aku akan gastrik.

When I saw what the auntie did, aku rasa macam kena tampar banyak kali oleh tangan halimunan. I feel ssssoooooooo ashamed of myself. If that old auntie boleh share a little bit of what she has, which is also can be considered as "a little bit"... why can't I...???

So, I am a self-centered jerk who thinks only of my belly.

Another things is ~ People who see her might look at her macam dia tak ada apa-apa. Which is, we don't know for sure. But judging by her appearance only (rujuk masa kejadian tadi), people might think that she's homeless or very very unfortunate (poor ~ I feel bad using this word).

Well, physically it's true. She's not wearing any designer clothes or apa-apa barang mahal.

But you know what...~ She's richer than us.

She's rich with God's love. And she's sharing it with others. She's the richest person I know setakat ini. Actually, aku selalu nampak auntie ni masa Sunset Mass and sometimes during Sunday Mass. She never miss important mass (selama yang aku nampak) and to see her come tonight ~ Lagi satu benday yang buat aku insaf.

Some young people thought that, it's okay not to go for Sacrament of Reconciliation. For Catholic, if it's okay, why would it be something yang wajib according to our Catechism? And why is it one of the Seven Sacrament yang wajib for us to take?

Most young people take this sebagai sesuatu yang tidak penting and it's sad. This including me. But my case is different. Everytime nak pergi Confession, lutut akan terketar-ketar. I'll be soooo scared and afraid. I don't know why. Tapi selepas...??? Total freedom.

I remember one Father pernah cakap.

"Confession is a free consultation for whatever problems ko ada. Free stress reliever. Free whatever"

*He didn't actually said "free whatever" ... I forgot the last one!

Selepas dengar Father cakap macam tu, well, I feel a bit less afraid of Confessional Booth. Sometimes, I look for it. especially if aku rasa aku buat something yang tidak sepatutnya. Or if I feel not at ease. But here, in Penang, jarang ada melainkan kalau ko buat appointment dulu.

Back to the auntie....

Nah~ begitulah cerita dia. I can't sleep thinking of her. And what she did. Really bagi kesan juga to me. I will try to change. It'll be hard. But with God's love, grace and mercy... I hope, I can bend (hilangkan terus macam mustahil buat masa ini~ but I'll try) perangai aku yang mementingkan diri sendiri and try to be more generous.

Ps 37:7,16

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way... Better is the little of the righteous than the abundance of many wicked.

Hello?

2011-12-08T18:52:00.003+08:00

Yeah I know... Been missing for a while.
I'm still a bit stress. Lot of things that need to be done. But I've been spending soooo much time on facebook.

Yeah I know... I shouldn't do that >.<

Well, it's December! Advent ^^

And in a couple of weeks time, it'll be Christmas. I won't be going back this year. Study week jatuh masa Christmas. And this semester hasn't been so nice with me. Or, was it me yang tak pandai tackle this sem? What ever.

Semester ni terasa la sangat pendeknya dengan kerja yang membuatkan aku berlari ke sana ke mari dan makan tak ikut masa. Yes. Body pun dah ala-ala idola aku si Doraemon.

*sigh*

Konon nak diet. Semua ke longkang. Bersenam tak sampai seminggu and then sibuk dengan shooting and everything. Kalau dah start production, jangan harap la hidup macam manusia biasa. Nak kata kau hidup macam Batman pun, jauh periuk elektrik dari power source. Batman pun boleh salute kau la dengan hidup yang agak tunggang langgang.

Yesterday I cleaned my room masa tengah hari. And then pergi kelas sampai jam 6pm. And the balik bilik sambung mengemas. Kau tau pukul berapa aku setel semua tetapi masih tidak berpuas hati?

Pukul 12 tengah malam. Itu minus mopping okay. And aku still tak puas hati.

Masa mengemas tu jugak ler aku terjumpa nota-nota yang aku sempat campak sana sini atas lantai. Seriously, dalam dua bulan lately, aku rasa aku bukan duduk kat hostel tapi duduk kat rumah tumpangan.

Taik cicak bergelimpangan kat bawah tingkap *omigosh*

Sangat ceridak (bahasa Sarawak = kotor) okay.

And masa mengemas tu jugak la aku baru tersedar stok makanan aku dah habis. Tinggal beberapa sachet coffee je and 2 kotak susu yang sah-sah buat aku tercirit every morning but I like it sebab aku boleh berak dengan mudah at one go.

Selepas setel shoot untuk MCP (multiple camera production) that day, we still have other stuff to do. Pre-production. Tapi, time ni masing-masing start sibuk dengan assignment lain yang tarikh ajalnya semakin hampir. We suppose to send in our report (untuk MCP) 3 days after done shooting tapi sampai sekarang our report masih rongak sana sini especially bab gambar.

You see... Masa meeting and segala-gala yang kitorang buat, we're suppose to take photos. Tapi kitorang (my group and I) memang tak pedulik langsung nak ambik gambar. We set-up meetings... pung-pang-pung-pang ~ keluar shooting untuk rencana and whatever we did and then terus masuk studio dengan bahan siap untuk live recording.

Bila dah setel semua baru teringat ~ lerrrr.... ada benda lupa nak buat.

Kajian Cinema.

Who would have thought this paper berkemampuan untuk membunuh aku. Sama paper Kajian Televisyen. Hello ~ Kajian TV buat aku hidup dengan Red Bull from start sampai end. Sekarang kalo minum Red Bull, aku akan tidur teruuuussss on the spot. Immune.

But...~

Walau apa pun, I love this sem. True, there are some times when I thought, "this is hell...."

Paper TV and Cinema... I love hating them both. Seriously.

Esok kena hantar paper Kajian Cinema. I have to re-write my paper sebab selepas di beri penjelasan oleh Dr. yesterday, paper aku mengikut haluan yang tidak betul. I have to re-do most parts. Sucks. Very very sucks.

And for that, I have to sign off ^^

Till next time ~

*Aku dah buang masa korang baca post takda makna ni kan? kan? kan? hahahaha~*

I'm Stress

2011-11-26T01:10:00.001+08:00

Like I said,

I'M STRESS.

But I'm still trying my best to smile.

I'm not even sure...

If the smile is for other people, or for myself.

scar

2011-11-21T01:02:00.005+08:00

I'm supposed to be studying right now. Got exam on Tuesday. But I really, really can't focus.

I'm thinking of past. To be exact, I was thinking of someone that was in my life not long ago. That person is still in my life but not as what he was before.

I think I kinda miss him. And this feeling, makes me feel guilty.

But I really do miss him.

Remembering what we did together, the time we spent together... It hurts. I didn't cry when we ended what we had. Maybe because we've been far from each other for quite sometime jadi perasaan tu macam ada and tak ada.

And we continue to be apart after we ended things. It was hurt. Very. But not to the point aku menangis.

I heard from a friend he probably will be back mid January next year (2012). Tak lama lagi. I thought he's coming back somewhere around March. Mid January, I'd still be in Bintulu and this is not good for me.

Well, you see... Selepas selesai "urusan" aku dengan dia, I thought, "Okay, tak apa. he's far. We'll deal with the hurts and anger when he come back"... Tapi lama-lama, aku rasa perasaan tu tertolak entah ke mana and hearing this news about him coming back in January makes me... ntah.

Upside down?

Marah balik?

I don't know.

I just know, I still miss him. As much as I don't wanna see him anymore, aku rasa... Aku tak sabar tunggu dia balik kot. And listen to his story and talk again about what happened between us.

But, dalam masa yang sama, this will not be good untuk what I have now. Someone is trying to help me forget all the bad things that happened between me and him. And this someone is trying very hard to bring me back up on my feet. This someone is trying his best to find all the broken pieces and put them back together, wipe it clean and help me to start a new chapter.

Masalahnya, dalam that broken pieces yang dia cantumkan, I can feel my past. There are certain areas this someone can't wipe away.

I'm confused dengan perasaan aku sendiri. I care about this someone and I really appreciate what he's trying to do. But I can't deny my feeling for my past.

Love.. or "that" feeling is not something I can substitute sewenang-wenangnya. To have that feeling pun, took me masa yang panjang. And it took us time to nurture what we had. To lost it suddenly... Seriously, it makes my world fall apart.

Losing someone who's already half of u is losing a part of yourself.
I don't mind if he's my boyfriend. But when he's more than that, he meant something to me.
What we had, really, really meant something to me...

Losing that... memang satu tamparan yang hebat. Maha hebat.

And I realize, it change me.

This changes.. I hate it. But I feel safe. Kind of.

Hearing that he'll be back?

I feel like my world starts to shatter again...

Coffee Time

2011-11-08T18:28:00.003+08:00

Biasanya petang-petang macam ni, mum and I akan minum coffee and lepak di dapur...
Talking about everything.

Biasanya akan start dengan conversation begini:

Mum :

"jeans lusuh (of course, she call me by name and not jeans lusuh), do you love me...?"
(sambil buat-buat muka kesian)

Me :
(Look at the clock)
"Yeah, yeah... I know~ I'll make coffee. Do you want to have it here or in the kitchen?"

Mum :
"Kitchen. Don't forget biscuit *something* / kuih *something* to eat with it"

Atau begini :

Me :

"Mum, do you want coffee?"

Mum :

"Sure, come lepak here with me (in the kitchen). I bought some kuih from Bandar Jaya"

And then kitorg akan duduk and have our coffee time. Normally, time for coffee adalah dalam jam 3pm and akan berlanjutan till time masak untuk dinner. And when my aunts or cousins datang lepak rumah, akan berlanjutan sampai habis dinner. Sambung with beer or wine.

But this is just about coffee time. And how much I miss it.

Coffee time with mum is the moment I miss most when I'm far from home.

Coffee time is like story time for me. Aku tak ingat bila this start. But it's always me and mum. And sometimes, kalau mummy ada beli kuih muih yang sedap dari Bandar Jaya (taman perumahan just sebelah ours), my siblings pun akan join the coffee time.

Tapi diorang minum milo or tea la hahahaha.

A cup of coffee is all we need and me and mum akan duduk and start bercerita. Dari news in the paper to our future plans and also history. Our family history. But the thing I miss most, adalah when we share our feeling.

During our coffee time, we share not only stories but also our feelings yang biasanya akan bawa kepada laughter and sometimes... tears.

I've seen mum crying banyak kali during our coffee time. And that tears yang keep me going, trying to be someone she can be proud of.

That coffee time also, like I said... Sometimes shared with my aunts and cousins and sapa-sapa yang happen to visit during that time. Yes, kitorg satu family memang suka singgah rumah saudara-saudara lain.

I miss masa-masa macam ni, because this is the time where I can be myself, among people I know.

And I'm free to say what I want. What I think. Walau pun most of the time memang opinion aku kena oppose but I don't really mind. Because they can come back with reasons aku boleh faham.

Coffee time ~ juga adalah masa bila aku sedar my family is not perfect. The time bila aku sedar, we're not even in the middle class. The time bila aku sedar and know what I should fight for to keep us in the track towards happiness and of course... success.

Our coffee time sometimes end dengan perasaan tak puas hati among member bersidang, sometimes end dengan mummy start nagging (hahahaha) and sometimes end up just like that. Semua angkat cawan, basuh and then proceed to next kerja. Masak, mandi, study, tengok tv etc...

But the feeling after coffee time adalah something yang aku treasure. Whatever feeling yang timbul masa and selepas coffee time - baik sedih, gembira, lawak, menyampah etc... semuanya aku simpan.

And when I'm alone, sipping my coffee in front my laptop macam aku buat sekarang, looking at my family photos, all that feelings, all that topics we talked about (basically everything)...

Semuanya datang balik and "temankan" aku.

Of course, the feeling is a bit different. Being there with them and being here alone with them in my laptop is different.

Just Photos. And A Video.

2011-11-02T00:52:00.014+08:00

First batch - Nel's belated birthday party. There were beers, kids, cake, gambling and some other stuff involved. I can't post the rest of the photos here atas sebab-sebab tertentu. This was taken last Friday (Oct 28, 2011).

The cake.
Chosen n bought by the tough boys.
It was heaven.

Never thought that beer and cake are one of the best combination.

Not even half of what we had that night.

Some kids.
Came with their parents.

Had fun playing with them.

Went to Straits Quay with fellow CUS. Went there in the morning and we just walked and talked and take photos and eat till evening.

The entrance.

It was sunny and hot.

Wharf for the rich.

Us.

Model terjun.

Nice, right?

Us having fun acting stupid.

Waiting for the school bus with Charlie Brown and the gang.

We love lollipop.

Sugar art shop.

Sentuhan - Organic soap shop.

Us - Again.

Went to Furry Kids.

Found two not-so-furry-kids.

I love this place.
Banyak gambar cantik datang dari sini ngeee~

See below

Kan? Kan? Kan?

Not-so-furry-kids fighting over a shitty sign board

ngiiaaaahahaha~

Helen came late.

We accompany her for her brunch + dinner.

Tired.

And here's a video saja untuk suka-suka.
I love their cover version.

Better than the original piece.

Skycraper

Original singer - Demi Lovato
Cover version by Boyce Avenue feat. Megan Nicole

Skies are crying, I am watching

Catching tear drops in my hands

Only silence, as it's ending

Like we never had a chance

Do you have to make me feel like

There's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears, I awaken

And untangle you from me

Would it make you, feel better

To watch me while I bleed?

All my windows still are broken

But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

Go run, run, run

I'm gonna stay right here, watch you disappear

Yeah oh

Go run, run, run

Yeah, it's a long way down

But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Oh Oh

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper) huh huh huh

Like a skyscraper

I Was Just Thinking

2011-11-01T23:43:00.003+08:00

It's been like 2?

Or 3?

Months I've been back here in Penang. In USM to be exact. Being a student again. Tapi, ada satu perasaan tu yang buat aku rasa macam... ntah.

Rasa macam bukan student.

I went to lectures, tutorial etc like I used to. Macam sebelumnya. Macam dulu-dulu. But I don't know why the feeling is not there. I have tons of assignments due after mid sem break. And I haven't start even one. And I have MCP session after the break, still... our group progress is very very slow. I feel like I'm procrastinating.

Yang sebenarnya memang itu la yang aku lakukan.

Well, I have some issues back during the 4 months holiday. I was a bit depressed. Alone. And I was fighting my way back to being normal. Coming back to Penang, I thought... I'm gonna be okay here.

I did everything to be myself back. To feel what I felt before everything changed.

I play, I had fun, I drink and etc... I even pray.

Sometimes, when I'm busy having fun, I forget. Everything that troubles me. But when I'm alone, it comes back. And it sucks. Very. Keeping myself busy with assignments doesn't help that much.

Some of you only know one or two events yang berlaku that makes my world kinda turn upside down. For those yang belum tau, I think, it's time for me to come clean, especially tentang yang pertama ni :

1. I broke up with Mr J.

2. My lil' brother, Ekiel.

Masalah yang kedua adalah one of the major problem I had masa cuti 4 bulan. My family was... a mess. I was online, on facebook this evening. Checking up on my siblings... Apa diorang buat etc...

Jerry called me yesterday. Telling me that he's officially a cadet engineer and now on board Inai Selasih (dredger). I'm proud of him. Very. Dalam kusyuk menggodeh wall Jerry, I saw Ekiel posted something there. And what he posted there buat hati aku betul-betul ... sakit?

I don't know what I feel that time. And now I'm writing this, I feel sad actually. I feel... I don't know. Kesian? Sayang? Of course... I love my brother. I love Ekiel. Very very much. He's my little brother and always will be walau pun penis beliau sudah berbulu and dia sekarang in relationship with a girl.

Aku rasa aku sangat protective towards Ekiel. I always want the best for him. I want him to have what I never have when I was his age. I guess, dia a bit spoilt juga. But one thing yang buat aku bangga, he's smart. Very smart. But he doesn't know that and dia cepat mengikut kata orang.

Back to what he posted in facebook ~ he said something about giving up trying to be a better person. And that just tear me up. And that ~ reminds me of all the things I wanted to forget.

Praying... I don't know why ~

Praying makes me remember everything that hurts me. I wanted to run, again... But that would be a mistake. Macam sebelumnya. I pray everyday. Go to mass every Sunday. But I still feel the hurt. The pain. The bad memories that I want to erase.

My assignments? They reminds me of Mr J. God knows why... But they do. Every time I pick up journals to read, I think about him. Lagi buduh aku rasa.

I don't know what should I do. I can't be like this forever. Heck... I don't want to be like this for a long time.

I met someone. No, scratch that. Someone found me and is trying very hard to help me get back up on my feet. I appreciate that. Very. But still ~ dalam hati ni masih ada lagi sesuatu yang aku rasa, belum selesai. Belum sepenuhnya terubat? I don't know.

Hell... seriously I don't know.

What I know is sekarang aku tak rasa tenang and gembira.

Last Sunday, Fr Dominic said something yang sampai sekarang aku fikir, is it true? Or is it my mask that's been covering up for me sampai sekarang?

He said I look happy.

LOOK HAPPY.

But I don't really feel that way. Or am I?

*Sigh*

I know ~ I said I wanna stop talking about this. But, keeping it all inside makes me feel even worse. Rasa lemah. Sometimes I feel like I just want to end everything. Vanish from this world. Put an end to everything. For me.

Sounds selfish and stupid, right?

That will be my last option. I guess. If I can't hold it any longer.

Lord... please. Help me...

Change. Again.

2011-10-27T00:44:00.008+08:00

Yes. I know. I change my blog template again. Clearly, I prefer white and simple layout.

Okay, enough about that.

Dah berapa lamak kau tak update blog wahai pemalas?

Few weeks ago ~ I guess. Well, sepanjang masa aku hiatus, tak ada apa yang penting pun berlaku. Apart from one trip to Genting dengan fellow CUS.

Ahh~ Ada gambar and video. That will come in later. Or ~ memandangkan aku tak ada apa sangat nak cerita, why don't you guys layan sedikit photo from our trip.

The troops.

Bergambar sementara menunggu bus.

In the bus.
Departed from Penang around 2300 hrs.

Arrived in Genting Highland.
It was around 0300 hrs if I'm not mistaken.
It was sooooo cold >.<

On our way to hotel lobby.

The hotel lobby.

1st World Hotel.

We have to wait until 0900 hrs to check in.

So we went around and checked out the place. Planning mana nak main dulu, indoor or outdoor first. Masa ni Genting sangat sunyi. Can't imagine the noise bila siang =_='

Sangat bising okay...
And yes, we contribute kepada pencemaran bunyi itu juga.

Went around to find place untuk breakfast.

Believe it or not, dalam banyak-banyak tempat yang ada, we settled for McD.

Sebab price makanan yang mengasihani poket student seperti kami.

Sambung round after makan.

And then, bila dah puas merayau and melihat Genting theme park dalam keadaan sunyi, we went back to the hotel lobby untuk rehat and tidur sementara menunggu masa check in.
Thanks to Joe for taking these photos.

Tidur gaya

"aku tak peduli"

Tidur gaya

"aku tetap bergaya walaupun semasa tidur"

Tidur gaya

"ju-on"

Tidur gaya

"aku menunggu panggilan mu sayang"

Tidur gaya

"i don't have any name for this pose"

Tidur gaya
"mau cari gaduh"

Sebelum main teriak-teriak, melayang-layang dan berlari-lari haruslah bergaya dulu.

Our breakfast.
Packed siap-siap dari Penang.

Our second day.
Went to Snow World.

Jari kuku kaki tangan aku sempat membeku sekejap masa di dalam.

Posing ambil syarat.

This was taken on our second day there.
The first day we play gila-gila, we didn't take any photos.

Before checking out.

On the way back to Penang.
Sempat tapau Starbucks Java Chip and Whopper Burger dari Burger King.

The trip was fun.

Sebab pertama :

I went there with my CUS family.

Sebab kedua dan seterusnya :

We play everything we can play and mana yang sempat. And that time, I can see that, walaupun umur semua dah menjangkau 20-an, when it comes to having fun, semua macam budak-budak.

I'd like to go again. Will go again. Definitely.

It's Tuesday

2011-10-11T02:28:00.007+08:00

Yes, it's Tuesday. Again.

I've been busy since this evening. Trying to change my blogskin.
Masalah.
I lost many things.

But glad that akhirnya my blog is finally clear. But I can't post ad from Nuffnang. Cis.

Well... it's been sometimes since I last blog. Dengan penuh emotional la kononnya. Nothing interesting happened while I'm away. Hu-ha hu-ha yang biasa la.

I miss home. I miss my niece and nephew. I miss my bros and sis. I miss mum and home-cooked meals. Dang ~ I miss my bed!

Seniors graduate last months. I took photos. Tapi hancussss!!!

Quality mengecewakan.
I went places. But no photos.

Even if there are, the quality tak bagus sebab aku banyak capture pakai phone.

Well, setakat ni dulu. Will update lagi akan datang. Kalau aku rajin ngeeee~
Here's Bulan and Apek (Audrey and Javier)

My niece and nephew.

Untitled II

2011-09-25T03:35:00.006+08:00

I'm getting tired of this actually.

By saying "This", I'm referring to my unstable emotion.

It's harder to bounce back. Harder than I thought. Harder than before.

Harder, because I can no longer trust anyone. Harder cos I always have this feeling that I don't deserve anything good. Harder because it's tiring, waking up in the morning and trying to find that lost happiness and calmness.

Be positive people said. It's easier said than done. It is. Easier said than done. I'm tired of praying too. I'm tired of asking what's not mine. It won't be mine cos I don't deserve anything.

That's how it felt. That's what I feel.

Sangat negatif, kan?

I thought I'd be okay, coming back here. Or, maybe it's too early for me untuk expect semuanya akan okay like before. I'm trying too hard juga mungkin, untuk pulihkan keadaan. I hate being like this. I hate being in this state where semuanya unstable.

Living my life everyday. Faking my emotion. It's tiring. Very tiring. I wanna go somewhere where I can be alone.

God... where are You?
I need hug. I need You.

Sunday

2011-09-19T01:12:00.006+08:00

Was actually yesterday.

I've been listening to Butterfly - Weezer over and over and over again since I'm not sure when. Went to church (as usual), only today I was with one junior. Meet the others (CUS member) after mass and went for brunch like usual. And movie after. But I didn't join them for movie. Jumpa kawan.

My last post ada bunyik macam orang gila sikit. Or banyak. Depends on how you read it. This one is no difference. I thought that, bila dah balik ke Penang, I'll be okay.

Switch off bad memories.

Switch on good memories.

And I'm good to go.

But, no. It's not the same this time. I tried to dapatkan balik feeling-feeling terencat akal and buat-buat gila macam biasa. But, it's hard. Especially today (or, should I say... yesterday?)

I wish I can tell more. I wish there are words that can really describe how I feel. I wish there is a place for me to be happy and not thinking so much. I wish for so many things...

And none of it jadi reality.

Untitled

2011-09-08T21:43:00.007+08:00

Holiday for university student has come to its end.

What did I do masa 4 bulan cuti?

4 bulan okeh...

Tambah lagi 1, dah jadi 1 semester.

The first 2 months, I was in Kuching, Sarawak. Doing my intership (I hate internship).

And baki 2 bulan?

Mengembang dan mengecut di rumah.

This holiday wasn't the greatest holiday bagi aku. There are lot of things, events... happened. Things unexpected. And most of it, di luar kawalan and I hated it.

There are times, bila aku rasa macam aku betul-betul nak give up on life when shits happens. Banyak kali. This time, aku rasa... lemah? No. Defeated.

I lost my grandma - salah satu kejadian yang di luar kawalan. And I was far from home. Cuma tau perkembangan menerusi facebook, text messages... And berita kematian? Also from facebook.

This, and few other things.

This holiday juga mengajar aku, or... Should I say... Buat aku sedar yang I can't control everything and I can't handle everything.

Taking care of people yang tak mau dijaga is really tiring. And make me realize, instead of wasting my time planning and worrying about other people, maybe I should start... seriously, thinking about myself. And take really good care of myself. My heart. And my feeling.

Maybe it's time for me to start thinking about myself. Putting me first instead of other people.

I can be a control freak sometime. Especially bila melibatkan family aku. My little brother n sister yang sebanrnya takde la little sangat pun lagi. I want the best for them. I want them to have and to experince something yang tak pernah aku ada or rasa.

Tapi itu la.... What I want and what they want is 360* berbeza.

Generation gap? Maybe.

11 to 16 years apart memang banyak beza kan? And so is they way we think.

I'm not making any sense here, aren't I?

Whatever.

Raya holiday - we (my family and I) went to Miri. Visiting. Jalan-jalan. Lepaking. And eat.

First day in Miri, we went up till Kuala Baram. When I was small, budak-budak lagi, whenever we went to Miri, Kuala Baram tu macam destinasi wajib. No, bukan pergi tengok buaya. Tapi ke pekan Kuala Baram yang 100% lebih elok dari sekarang. I guees, selepas adanya Jambatan Asean (betul ka ni?) menghubungkan Miri dan Brunei, orang dah tak pakai perkhidmatan feri in Kuala Baram. When we were there that time, tempat tu dah macam ghost town.

We went to the beach. Luak Bay and ntah apa nama pantai satu lagi. Makan satay and makan ABC Special dalam cawan. Weird. Sebab ABC in my place and mana-mana tempat lain biasanya dalam bowl. Makan sate di gerai orang kampung juga. Kiranya macam makan-makan sambil menziarah.

We spend a lot of our time on food hunting and visiting. Nothing interesting. But, fun for me.

I drank a lot (of beer and lain-lain arak hahaha) when in Miri. Macam balas dendam.

The night we arrived, my uncle sebelah mummy called and ajak p rumah. I don't know how they know we were there. But we went to his house anyway. Nah, sampai je sana, ramai pulak family member yang lain. Semuanya muka-muka aku jarang jumpa.

The ladies duduk kat dapur. I had Stout masa di dapur. Ehm, kurang suka hahaha. I'm not a fan of Stout. And then, kami berpindah ke ruang depan (luar rumah) dengan uncle-uncle... And my grandma (adik nenek) keluarkan her burak (tuak or tapai).

That was awesome. The taste. The after effect. Hahahaha.

Aku duduk mengadap lantai when I was drinking mine. Sebagai seorang budak yang bersopan santun, bila orang tua-tua cakap, aku cuma duduk and dengar je la. And drink.

Gelas kosong. Diisi balik.

Aku minum. Minum. And minum.

It was yummy (untuk burak).

Then dad said,"Okay, lets go back."

Back to my aunt's house (adik mami) - tempat stay selama bercuti.

When I got up, the world was spinning hahahaha ! Ambik masa untuk adjust kepala. Sampai rumah terus tido. Then, hari ketiga.. drinking lagi with my aunt sebelah daddy pula. Beer, burak and Stout at the same time. Masuk tengah hari, I was already saying goodnight hahaha !

No ~ It's not something yang patut dibanggakan. But I had fun. I was drinking with my family and I get drunk with my family. Benda yang dah lama aku tak buat.

And this time, it felt good. Really good. Awesome actually.

Maybe sebab tak putus-putus masalah, dugaan, cubaan and ujian.

From the outside, I might look like I'm handling them well. But on the inside, it still hurts.

Nobody take me seriously.

What I said, what I felt - Semuanya macam satu joke to people... even to my friends and family. Whenever I want to share something, rasa maca lalat... Kena halau, kena syoh syoh jauh-jauh. Macam anjing kurap pun ada.

So, most of the time, I just keep them to myself.

But this time, this time... I guess it was already too much.

Some of you akan kata,"Ada lagi di luar sana yang susah, banyak masalah. Sikit pun tak boleh tahan."

Well, screw them. This is me. And my worries. My problems.

Ada masa aku boleh jadi gagah.

Tapi ada masanya, aku jugak, macam orang lain di luar sana, like you... needs someone I can rely on.

Malangnya, most of the time, I don't have anyone. I have God. I know that. But I need someone.

I'm not making any sense, aren't I?

No ~ I'm not drinking masa tengah tulis entry ni. But I'm on pills. Guess I have to end this here cos none of this make any sense.

Have a drink. Get drunk. Be happy.

No ~?

My View On Fart

2011-08-15T23:16:00.012+08:00

Stupid people always ask :

Well, unfortunately... The answer is "Yes".

Normal people, regardless ko seorang Beauty Queen, sorang yang kontrol cantik atau macho, sopan la konon-konon, seorang Perdana Menteri... Semuanya kentut (dalam kes ni merujuk kepada perempuan).

To these "smart people" :

Women/Girls dari rank kurang cantik kepada paling cantik semuanya kentut.

Yes, including your girlfriend yang pada pendapat aku, selalu sembunyi-sembunyi kentut and membuatkan anda yang "bijak pandai" fikir :

"Awek aku tak kentut. Hebat"

I'm pretty. I'm sexy.

Yes, I fart. Everywhere I want.

Cuma bezanya, most girls don't fart depan orang.

Atau, fart depan orang tapi tuduh orang lain.

Atau, fart and buat bodoh.

Lastly, fart and laugh about it. Sempoi.

Anda dalam kategori mana?

Ramai jatuh dalam semua kategori kecuali, atau jarang-jarang ada dalam kategori terakhir.

I don't understand kenapa orang treat kentut atau farting macam satu taboo.

Is it wrong to fart?

Nak kentut ke, nak kontrol ayu?

Both la.

Posing ala-ala artis and fart.

Bergaya !

Why do people always laugh kalau ada orang secara tidak sengaja terkentut?

Or, look at that person macam dia dah commit crime yang sangat besar?

Atau, say something yang menampakkan kebodohan mereka.

Contohnya :

"Eii... busuknya kentut kau"

Hello, ada tak kentut bau Chanel No. 5 atau paling kokak pun, bau Ambi Pur?

Itu kalau terkentut tak sengaja. Memang dah tak boleh tahan. Tahan je la kalau kena kutuk.

Tapi, there are some people yang kalau kentut, dia bagitau dulu :

"Eh, aku rasa nak kentut"

And menjarakkan diri dari kumpulan manusia untuk melepaskan kentut.

Ok, fine. Aku respect orang yang berani bagitau dia nak kentut sebelum dia kentut. At least, we're ready ... for his/her fart. Boleh la tutup hidung atau menjarakkan diri atau buka tingkap kalau dalam kereta dan sebagainya.

What I don't understand is, there are some people yang macam dalam senario pertama tadi, orang tu baru je bagitau "nak kentut" and belum lagi kentut, tapi orang yang bijak pandai ni dah bagi reaction yang "over" :

Tutup hidung and pandang muka member yang nak kentut macam orang tu dah merogol someone.

Kata, "Eeeeiiii... busuuukkk!!!!" (Padahal member tu belum kentut)

Kata, "Eeeiiiii.... tak senonoh!!!"

Why farting is tak senonoh. Please tell me?

Adakah anda jenis yang menahan kentut dan berusaha menyumbat gas tersebut ke dalam semula?

For me, farting, burping... Dan seangkatan dengannya adalah sesuatu yang aku boleh terima.

If you wanna fart, just fart.

If you wanna burp, just burp....

You can't hold back those thing. And there's nothing to be ashamed of.

God created our body to function that way jadi tak ada apa yang nak dimalukan atau digelakkan bila someone burp or fart. Especially fart.

Tapi, at least, like I said... Bagi warning pada member dulu.

Biar la kena gelak ke, apa ke...

Those people are stupid to the max.

Jenis yang kontrol sampai terkemut-kemut bila nak kentut. Semuanya sebab nak jaga air muka.

There are things you can control and you can't control. You don't have to be perfect in everything. Especially... farting. There is no such thing as perfect fart.

Melainkan for guys, I know they measure perfect fart based on the sound (vibration and everything) and also the smell.

Pemikiran yang dangkal tentang perkara yang semulajadi adalah satu pemikiran atau persepsi yang ditetapkan oleh culture. Maybe sebab itu, ramai orang berfikiran bahawa, farting is not good. Impolite and lain-lain macam alasan yang bullshit.

Someone famous ada cakap :

“Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We’re teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it. Create your own. Most people can’t do it."

Communication student should know this well.

Culture. Struggle.

Itu pun if you pay attention to class and think well.

And that "most people" adalah kebanyakan kita.

This not only untuk farting. Tapi melibatkan how we dress, how we talk and sebagainya. We follow what people want. What the world wants us to be. We ignore what we want.

Does following what the world wants make us a better person?

No.So people... Fart where you like, when you wanted to. Dress how you like, where you wanted to. Rules that were made were meant to be bend. And some, to be broken.

p/s :

I fart wherever and whenever aku rasa aku nak kentut.

And yes, I inform orang-orang sekeliling dulu before I fart.

And I ignore their stupid and ignorant remark after that.

I just laugh at it.

No String Attached

2011-07-26T23:36:00.004+08:00

It all ended like a month ago.

After series of arguing, fighting, sarcasm, talk shit and everything, we ended things tonight.

Cleaned.

Nil.

And back to square 2 - Being friends

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

2011-07-12T11:32:00.008+08:00

Yesterday's post was a bit emotional.

Ehm, actually, sangat emotional sebenarnya hahahaha. Sampai satu tahap, I don't know what I want to say or write. I was very, very, very down.

Sampai hari ini.

Yes. Perasaan untuk lari dari segala-galanya itu masih ada. Masih sangat kuat.

But again, God plays His role.

Remember Rainbow Candy?

This morning, masa aku sampai office, aku masih rasa macam zombie. I cried my heart out last nite. I told my friend everything. What I felt. And his answered made me cried..... I cried because, dalam aku sibuk melayan sedih, I forgot that He's here.

"Rencana Tuhan itu sesuatu yang misteri. Satu kejutan. Dan pahit pada mulanya. Tetapi, Dia tahu kekuatan kita. Tahu kelemahan kita. Dan tahu kemampuan kita. Bila Dia memberikan ujian, bertubi-tubi dan berterusan... Kita akan mempersoalkan Dia.

Sebagai seorang manusia... Anaknya, kita akan mempersoakan tindakan Dia. Tetapi, kerana besar kasih dan cinta Dia kepada kita, Dia menguji bukan kerana tidak percaya. Atau kerana Dia sengaja mahu menyusahkan dan membuat kita derita.

Tetapi kerana besar kasih Dia, Dia mahu kita sentiasa ingat dan sedar...
Dia sentiasa bersama-sama kita.
Dalam apa jua keadaan.

Dan ujian ini, kehilangan demi kehilangan yang kau rasa
Untuk kau ingat...
Biar sejuta orang pun yang kau hilang dalam dunia..

Kau tak akan pernah kehilangan Dia
Yang terlebih dahulu sudah mengorbankan Dirinya untuk bersama dengan kau..."

So true my friend.
So true...

This morning, aku baca this blog - The Heart of Things

Ini perkara wajib setiap hari. And today, I felt like I needed something more than usual. Something that will make me feel strong again. And believe.

I go through his entry and came across this entry - Somewhere Over The Rainbow

RAINBOW

Aku bukan jenis manusia yang suka click video yang di"embed" pada blog melainkan kalau video itu sesuatu yang membuatkan aku tertanya-tanya.

So, this video - dengan lagu bertajuk "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" adalah cover version oleh Eva Cassidy (penyanyi asal ialah Judy Garland)

Hati aku sangat fragile sekarang. So, when I hear this song. Dengan suara late Eva yang merdu... I felt ... Rapuh?

Somewhere Over The Rainbow
by Eva Cassidy

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me

Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

* * * *

I don't know how to tell you. To explain to you macam mana perasaan aku sekarang. It's a mixture of segala-galanya. I'm sad, yes... Still sad. Angry. And I'm happy too.

Rainbow, in any form ... like I said in Rainbow Candy, is a candy from Him. With Him, aku selalu rasa macam seorang kanak-kanak yang memerlukan kasih seorang ayah.

And He is... A damn good one.

He knows when to "show up"
He knows when to give me "candy"
He knows when to take back the things He gave me...

Things maybe He thinks yang aku tak perlukan. Atau tidak sesuai. Atau sudah sampai "expiry date".

I lost two people in one month.
To death. And to erm... expiry date?

And I just have to deal with it.

And dear Father,

Thanks again for the candy. This time, I'll be able to keep this candy from You. Thank You again for always being there.

I love You Father... And I'm sorry for repeatedly disappoint You. And turning away from You...

Before I end, here's another track from Eva :

Time After Time
by Eva Cassidy

I Wrote This For You

2011-07-11T14:54:00.012+08:00

"The Spiral Twists Me"

"Nothing Has Killed Me Yet. Not Even You

First post in I Wrote This For You

And it made me smile. And sad. Dalam masa yang sama.

I need time alone. I really need time alone.

For what?

I want to cry.

Selama mana yang aku boleh.

Selama mana aku rasa aku dapat.

Selama mana aku rasa hati aku nak meraung.

Why?

Because I bottled up for so many years.

I don't think I can hold on any longer.

Emosi. Kacau bilau.

What happened?

Layang-layang itu akhirnya bebas.

Tapak tangan. Aku. Berdarah. Dan terluka.

Kerana aku cuba menahan dan tidak membiarkan layang-layang itu terlepas.

Bodoh manusia melawan takdir.

Melawan kuasa alam.

Layang-layang itu berputar-putar di awangan.

Mahu jatuh.

Atau kekal di langit.

I did everything I can to hold on to it.

I didn't rest.

I didn't give up.

I waited.

For the storm to stop.

For the wind to be gentle.

So that I can pull down my kite and be near to it.

Touch it.

And make sure it's okay.

But I wasn't given the chance.

I lost my kite.

And I'm bleeding.

It'll be a scar that reminds me of the kite I love.

"The Messenger Was Dead When I Got Here"

"You should tell them the truth. Tell them that if they hold on too tightly, love might cut them. Tell them to hold on tightly anyway. Tell them everything is worth it and that the richness of life is only ever enhanced by its inevitable, brief flashes of sadness and loss"

"The New Singularity"

"And no group of people, is as important as a single person. There's no them that's more important than a you"

"The City Rises And Falls"

"You were a dream. Then a reality. Now a memory"

"The Upsidedowness Of Everything"

"So yes, I laughed. I laughed at the pain and the futility and the frustration and the heartache to keep it separate from me. And while it may seem like insanity to you, it is the thing that prevents it, for me"

With All I Am

Into Your hands
I commit again
With all I am, for You, Lord
You hold my world
In the palm of Your hand
And I am Yours forever

Jesus I believe in You
Jesus I belong to You
You’re the reason that I live
The reason that I sing
With all I am

I’ll walk with You
Wherever You go
Through tears and joy
I’ll trust in You
And I will live
In all of Your ways
And Your promises, forever

I will worship
I will worship You

* * * *

I have no words.

There's none I can think of.

To tell my story.

Lord, Lord, Lord

My Lord, my God

Why is it always me?

If You love me that much,

Why won't You bring me back?

I'm tired.

Searching for something I know won't be mine.

Then. Now. And in the future.

This is the end of everything

Rainbow Candy

2011-07-05T21:55:00.012+08:00

My grandma (adik nenek aku, so she's my grandma too), passed away yesterday. Kalo tak silap aku, around 0110 hrs.

I knew about it on my to work. At first, I felt nothing. Then, slowly... The feeling datang.

"That" feeling.

Feeling of losing someone you know.

Feeling of frustration - cos there's nothing you can do to stop death or turn the time around.

Feeling of... "what if"

Aku tau. Lebih sukar sebenarnya bagi orang yang kehilangan ibu bapa etc. But who are we to compare the feeling of losing someone we know?

I lost my grandfather sebelum ni. I knew he'll be gone. Anytime soon masa tu. I prepared myself untuk kemungkinan yang paling buruk - death of course.

But when the time comes, aku sebenarnya tidak bersedia.

And now, second death - Juga sama seperti kematian pertama. I knew she was seriously ill. Multiple cancer cell di otak. Dengan umur tua begitu, doctor tak berani nak bedah. So, like my late grandpa... cuma menunggu masa.

The moment I heard the news tentang dia yang sedang bertarung nyawa, aku memang menunggu. It was just a couple of weeks ago. Tapi rasa macam lama. Macam panjang masa yang Dia berikan. Everyday, aku dapat tau perkembangan dia daripada keluarga di Miri.

I knew that she'll leave us. Sama macam my grandpa did.

But sama juga macam dulu, walaupun aku tau kebenaran itu, at the back of my head, I always.. ALWAYS have this false assurance mengatakan dia akan okay.

That she'll wake up and smile and laugh and talk and get angry at us like she usually do.

But no.

That didn't happen. It never was. Then. And now.

I called mum this morning. Dia kata, nenek dikuburkan dalam jam 1 petang tadi. I didn't realize I was holding back perasaan tak best ni. Dari masa aku dengar berita kematian tu, I laugh all day. Joke all day. Did everything to forget this feeling.

Until today. When mum said they buried her di tanah perkuburan yang sama dengan my late grandpa... Then only aku sedar kehilangan sesuatu.

I cried in my heart as much as I laugh in front of others.

No.

Ther harder I laugh, the more I cried. Sebab aku tau, aku cuma berpura-pura. My heart was there. Dengan arwah datuk aku. Dengan arwah nenek aku. Dengan masa lampau yang aku sendiri ingat-ingat lupa. Kabur. But still there. Thinking... What if I was there? What if the time boleh diputar kembali and I can see her face once again, listen to her stories, learning and get to know her better... What if, the doctors detected the tumor earlier?

What if... What if...

I know my post doesn't make any sense to you. Cuma random thoughts aku je kot.

Banyak yang bermain-main dalam fikiran sebenarnya. Losing someone always make you think of other things, kan? About your own life misalnya... Time you wasted untuk benda-benda and orang-orang yang tak appreciate you. Or take you for granted. Only when you're gone baru orang berduyun-duyun datang bagi penghormatan terakhir. That is or will be the only time you'll see faces you haven't seen in ages.

Malangnya, they can't see you. And they won't be able to hear you. To know what you think about them. Dan juga sebaliknya.

Sad isn't it...

Yang mati tu akan tetap pergi. And tinggal la kita yang hidup ni, cuba sedaya upaya untuk memuaskan hati and trying our very best unutk prove pada orang yang sudah pergi, we can be that person they want us to be. Padahal sebelum ni, ko buat tak peduli n tak endah.

Can they see us?

Can they feel what we're trying to tell them?

Can they understand that we're doing this for them?

Will they know, see or approve of what we're doing here?

Ya, aku memang regret. Sebab aku ignorant. And selalu buat tak endah. And take people for granted. Especially dalam kes begini. Like I said, aku selalu ada satu false assurance, mengatakan bahawa orang yang aku sayang akan hidup selamanya...

Dan itu satu pembohongan yang aku selalu feed myself. Sebab aku tak mau merasai kehilangan yang aku sayang.

Today. Untuk kedua kalinya, apa yang aku rasakan "selamat" rupanya tidak selamat. There's no way you can run daripada rasa tamparan kehilangan seseorang untuk selama-lamanya.

The whole day I asked God a blank question.

Blank question maksud aku, kalau boleh nampak la soalan itu, it'll be like this :

"God... ????????"

I have lot of things to ask Him. But I don't know how and what. At the same time, I need Him to be here with me. Again, I don't know for what... I wanna talk to Him, but I don't know how...

Aku melayan hari ini sama macam hari-hari sebelumnya. Hu-ha Hu-ha macam biasa. Divert myself from thinking about things.

And then masa balik, suddenly I saw rainbow...

Faint, but full rainbow. The sky was dark sebab nak hujan. But there... Aku nampak pelangi. And then I smile. And cry.

The whole day I was trying to say something to Him. To pour out my heart to Him. To tell Him what I feel. To tell Him I miss Him. That I need Him. That I want Him to be here, telling me what should I do, what can I offer to my grandma. I want Him to tell me where she'd gone to.

All the time when I didn't say anything, hiding all those questions and permintaan, tucked them away sedalam-dalamnya di sudut hati...

He was there. He is here. Listening. Answering.

And when He knew I didn't heard him. See Him. Feel Him...

He gave me rainbow. Like He always did whenever I wanted Him near. To me, pelangi itu seakan gula-gula dari Dia untuk memujuk hati aku yang sedang tidak menentu.

And when I saw Him, feel Him and know that He was there all along...

After I took the candy He gave me...

Pelangi itu hilang ...

Photo from here

Thank You Father.

Thank You Lord.

Thank you for the rainbow candy.

Sungai Lui

2011-07-04T14:39:00.005+08:00

It's just another sad day.

Love this song. The lyrics. Enjoy.

Pejamkan matamu untukku
Dengarlah dunia berkata-kata
Usah kau ragu di sini tempatmu
Walau berubah di mata kita tetap indah
Selagi kau masih percaya

Ketawa kecewa terpisah
Jalan yang lurus kian berhalang
Adakah semua ini yang ku inginkan
Ataupun hanya mengejar dunia semata-mata
Ku harap ku masih percaya

Adakah semua ini yang ku inginkan
Ataupun hanya mengejar dunia semata-mata
Ku harap kau masih percaya

Buka matamu
Biar aku memelukmu
Kita bersama masih muda masih mentah
Ku harap kau masih percaya

Day 16

2011-07-01T11:10:00.004+08:00

Day 16 asked for :

A PICTURE OF SOMEONE WHO INSPIRES YOU

My most beloved and respected mum

Madam Antonia Pidang Nyala with her grandson Javier Jok Roger
Masa ni budak bulat ni baru 2 tahun

My most beloved and respected grandma
Madam Elizabeth Telen Nyala
This was taken during our big Family Reunion in 2008

Day 16 asked for one photo (I guess). But being someone yang memang suka photo and kuat merapu rabeng, aku letak dua. Cos these two ladies inspires me dalam apa pun yang aku buat.

To me, they are the strongest, paling penyabar and sangat, sangat, sangat tabah...

Mum n Uko (Granny in Kenyah), I love you both.

P/s : To those who know me personally, this is my granny yang tidak makan "lembu pendek" yang aku selalu cerita tu hahahahaha ~ And she's also the one yang ber'skype' dengan my aunt di Qatar.

Bittersweet = Frustrated + Happy + Angry

2011-06-29T16:32:00.006+08:00

Okay, I won't mengamuk macam orang hilang akal. Cuma ingin meluahkan rasa... I dunno, ketidakpuasan? Or maybe... Frustration? I'm not sure.

One thing I'm sure of is that i'm happy. Why?

Macam ni ceritanya :

Now I'm in MKK (Cawangan Media dan Komunikasi Korporat) di Jabatan Penenrangan Malaysia Sarawak. There's nothing much to do yang relate dengan major aku that is Film and Broadcasting. But, that's okay for me sebab aku yang nak datang sini. Kununnya nak rasa la macam mana kerja dengan government.

Okay, yang tu nanti dulu. This is the happy story.

I did something called Siaran Media yesterday. Pasal activity done by Jabatan kebajikan Masyarakat Malaysia. Selepas di semak and di luluskan oleh Penolong Pengarah, the Siaran Media was faxed to entah mana-mana la... Aku tak tau. All I know was it was for the media. Disiarkan atau tidak, itu terpulang pada editor di sana.

And then this afternoon, masa aku menghadiri persidangan DUN (Dewan Undangan Negeri) Sarawak, one of my senior in MKK kata news aku keluar. Sama dengan news dia. I was like," Oh, really?" ... Konon cool la wakakakakaka...

Memang perasan cool la time tu hahaha. And then, masa balik ke office, selepas tamat persidangan (today is the last day), my Penolong Pengarah said, "Did you check the news? Siaran Media semalam ada di published dalam paper. Find all the articles and faxed it back to JKMM." Aku pun ok je la...

Haaa... lepas tu baru la perasaan happy tu muncul secara tiba-tiba wakakakakaka...

Seriously. Masa Penolong Pengarah check my Siaran Media, dia kata good job. I didn't really ambil pusing apa dia cakap. But then, masa aku baca paper, semuanya pakai bulat-bulat ayat yang aku tulis. Korang tau tak??? Paham takk??? Macam mana bahagianya rasa diri ini??? Hahahahaha... macam fundek, kan? Hahahahaha... *whatever la jeans lusuh*... hahahaha

Okay, pasal frust and angry. Gabungkan aje la. Biar all the hatred and rage keluar dalam 1 masa.

Aku memang happy di JPMS. Sangat-sangat. But it hurts, really, really hurt bila orang mempersoalkan 'kewujudan' aku di sini.

Like I said awal-awal tadi, I'm majoring in Film and Broadcasting. And here, rata-rata atau, boleh aku katakan... Hampir semua di sini adalah dari bidang Kewartawanan dan Perhubungan Awam (PR).

So, whenever people asked me (orang-orang di JPMS laa... And ada jugak orang luar), what's my major and I tell them, their reaction would be :

"Why are you here?"

"What the hell are you doing here???"

"Dude, wrong place. You don't belong here..."

And that reaction will always... ALWAYS... end up dengan ayat ini :

"Kenapa tak minta RTM?"

"... atau FINAS..??"

"... atau Filem Negara???"

"Salah tempat ko ni. You're suppose to be somewhere else"

"There's nothing much for you to learn here"

WHAT THE FUCK????

Now... See how frustrated and angry I am when these people say such thing?

First thing first,

How do you know I won't learn anything?
How do you know this isn't the right place for me?
How do you know I will learn something somewhere else?

I don't really mind actually where I am, cos I know... I will learn something new. Yes, mungkin tak sesuai bagi aku berada di sini sebab tempat ni tak banyak sentuh major aku, but why not??? Even kalo dah habis belajar, berapa peratus peluang untuk aku bekerja dalam bidang Filem dan Penyiaran? Tidak 100% kan? Or, maybe akan ada peluang. Or takde langsung. So, might as well, aku pergi mana-mana aku nak and learn something new, kan?

We never know.

And aku bukannya takde langsung experience dalam Filem dan Penyiaran. I used to work and study dengan hal berkaitan bidang aku. Cuma sekarang, aku nak belajar and expose to something else. Maybe, pengalaman aku tak sebesar orang-orang lain di luar sana... But this is my option and my chocie.

So can you please, shut the fuck up and let me live my life the way I want it to be?

Aku penat actually explain this to orang-orang di luar sana. Some people would understand. But some ignorant son of a biatch akan *shrruugg* and roll their eyes. And keep on telling all shiznits pasal kenapa aku tak sepatutnya berada di sini and sepatutnya berada di mana aku sepatutnya berada.

Macam bodo.

Okay, it's not that i don't respect your opinion as elders atau orang yang lebih berpengalaman. I respect your opinion. Tapi, can you please, tell it or say it tanpa berlagak and tanpa meng"annoy" aku?

And some, when they know what major I'm in, diorang buat macam aku ni TAK TAU APA-APA LANGSUNG and TAK BOLEH BUAT APA-APA LANGASUNG. It's like I'm retarded or cacat or something. Macam budu kan???

I admit. there are things I don't know. But there are things I know too.

That's the reason why I'm here.

TO LEARN. TO LEARN. TO LEARN. TO LEARN.

Do you want me to repeat the word sampai ko paham?

It's sad. Frustrating. And... I don't know.

And me like this, I mean, my appearance. Kadang-kadang (or most of the time) memang agak selekeh. But I can assure you, I got a good head, real smart head on my shoulder... And I thanked God for that.

Kalau ada pun aku tak tau, you can teach me cos I can learn. Aku bukan retarded, tau?

Kau tu yang retarded sebab sangat2 jumud fikiran. Puki. Butu. Haaa..... paloi.

See, bertanbah sudah dosa aku sebab menyumpah.

I think I better stop here sebelum aku menyumpah lebih banyak and mum yang selalu monitor this blog asked me untuk remove this post hahahahahaha

*Ini cuma luahan perasaan, tiada kaitan dengan yang mati. Kalau yang hidup terasa, padan muka kau la kan?*

Untitled

2011-06-26T14:07:00.004+08:00

Because I seriously don't know what I'm going to crap here.

It's Sunday. Woke up, buat kerja surirumah tak bertauliah and now aku lunch bubur dengan nugget. Sungguh bujang. I finally went to church yesterday for Sunset Mass. God know how glad I was when my cousin suddenly ajak p church. Her husband isn't here. Ke luar kota untuk some tournament... So, it's just me and her and her two sons.

Balik dari church, we went groceries shopping. Penuh 1 troli. Bila membayar, sekali lagi, nampak kebujangan di situ.... Barang-barang dia semua barang-barang seorang ibu dan isteri. While mine, eskrem, keropok, tin food and etc... Semua instant wakakakakakka...

This holiday, aku banyak kali kena attack dengan persoalan "move forward" a.k.a kawen a.k.a jadik bini orang dan yang sekawasan dengannya. Semuanya gara-gara majlis perkahwinan yang tidak putus-putus oleh sedara mara yang lain.

I always thought that I'd be cool when people asked me this stupid marriage question. But turns out, I'm not cool about it. At all. Naaaahhh... Tambah-tambah lagi my cuzzie ni sekarang tengah pregnant and she sometimes cerita pasal kawan dia yang kawen lewat, susah nak beranak etc... And there's this thing with my blood, my health condition yang mungkin akan menyukarkan aku untuk mendapat zuriat (surrpprriiseee... bet most of you didn't know this fact about me, huh?)

So, it wasn't cool at all. Aku rasa.... Rimas? A bit la...

I mean, biar la. I love kids. I love the idea of being someone's mum... And I used to feel that, it'll be cool to be someone's wife too. Bangun pagi2, ada orang di sebelah, balik rumah and you have someone that will always be there for you... Listen and share everything (well, nearly everything la...) with you...

Tapi, this holiday... Bila aku sentiasa, most of the time kena asak dengan persoalan perkahwinan, I don't think it's cool anymore.

I still like the idea of being a mum. But someone's wife????

I don't know. I can't see myself as one. Untuk sesiapa pun.

And that's include my beloved Mr J.

I'm not ready to be one. I dunno if I ever be. The idea is nice. Seems perfect. But, reality?

I'm scared. Bila fikir and cakap pasal kahwin, it's something yang sebenarnya aku kurang percaya. My parents... Their marriage bukan satu perkahwinan yang perfect or berjaya. And men I knew all my life, I don't think sapa-sapa pun boleh yakinkan aku that our marriage akan bertahan, selamanya.

I know... Tak ada yang perfect and perkahwinan adalah satu percaturan yang one have to berani untuk ambil risiko. But, dalam banyak-banyak risiko dalam hidup, risiko dalam perkahwinan is the one thing aku rasa aku tak sanggup or berat hati nak tempuh. Growing up dalam broken family, sebagai anak, aku rasa banyak kekurangan.

Now here, please don't tell me ada orang lagi di luar tu yang tidak bernasib baik and all shits. Aku cuma nak meluahkan perasaan and ko baca je, orait????

Sebesar mana rasa tidak yakin aku dengan lelaki yang kunun akan jadi laki aku, besar lagi ketidakyakinan aku dengan diri aku sendiri untuk jadi seorang wife yang baik. And mother yang baik juga. Tapi, antara dua ni, aku rasa, aku paling tak yakin dapat jadik wife orang.

Aku salute orang yang berani seal the deal untuk hidup selama-lamanya dengan that one person.

Mr J is coming back next year. And he didn't tell me tentang kepulangan dia. I don't know why. Maybe nak buat surprise ke, apa ke or maybe tak sure jadi ke tidak balik bulan tu ke etc....

Part of me rasa lega, sebab bila dia balik, I won't be in Bintulu. But part of me juga rasa, I wanna go back, see him and asked him... What's next? Supaya aku pun boleh move on. After tsunami reda sedikit, we didn't contact each other. Cuma sekali dua. And that's it. Sad, right?

But for me, aku rasa okay juga. I need time alone.

Damn... I didn't know marriage scares me sampai tahap ni hahahahahha...

*Sigh*... I told mum not to wait. Or mengharap.

So, setakat ini, does this entry make sense? Tidak, kan? Hahahahaha...

Aku ada baaaanyyyaakk benda nak cerita. but I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to pour it out. Macam (atau memang) membuka pekung di dada. But I don't know where else and to whom should I tell. Now that mum macam a bit mendesak juga tentang marriage, I don't see her as a cool mum sekarang wakakakaka....

Dia masih cool, cuma tak cool kalo asyik cerita pasal kawen hahahahha

Ok la... I think I have to stop here. nanti makin lama, makin mengarut entry ni.

Kepala pun tengah gila... I think I need beer hahahahah... *cheers*

Semester Holiday

2011-06-14T11:53:00.002+08:00

I'm not gonna rant about internship cos that's what everybody talking about.

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Well... okay, okay. Just a bit update here. I'm currently doing my internship at Jabatan Penerangan Malaysia Sarawak aka JPMS. I know... government agency. Never thought I'd end up here hahaha... But, so far, I'm happy here. The people are nice. And I got works to do. Ada tempat, they don't want you to touch or do anything. Macam diorang takut sangat you'll gonna mess everything up. Fcuk.

JPMS banyak jabatan or cawangan and aku kena rotate. So, semua bahagian aku rasa. There are few jabatan yang aku tak buat kerja sangat and there are jabatan yang banyak task. And if aku tak banyak task, I'll go to Cawangan Sumber dan Fotografi. That place is heaven. Tak putus-putus kerja hahahahaha.

Okay... enough about internship. Nanti kalo detail, there's nothing to tell kalo nak gossip face to face. I'm sorry for my long silence. I seriously dunno what to write. There are times when I really wanna write but I don't have story to tell. So, most of the time, during this holiday, I just read blogs kawan-kawan yang lain.

Actually, right now...

I miss home. I miss my niece and nephew. And my mum. Food back home. My bed. My home.

And I kinda miss Penang. definitely, miss my friends there yang sekarang ni, mostly di kampung masing-masing.

Sebenarnya, post ni hanya untuk membersihkan sarang labah-labah pada blog hahahah...

Got to go, I still have work to do. Daaaaaa ...~

Day 14 and 15

2011-05-15T22:43:00.008+08:00

Both days tidak merujuk kepada masa kesuburan seorang wanita untuk anda menerkam beliau kerana beliau tengah 'subur'

Tetapi merujuk kepada 30 Days Blogging Challenge yang aku buat dalam keadaan tersekat-sekat. Entry kali ni adalah entry untuk hari ke-14 dan hari ke-15.

Hari ke-14 : A TV Show That You're Currently Addicted To

Bagi aku - Gossip Girl

Kenapa ?

Pelakon perempuan yang cantik
Pelakon lelaki yang hensem
Banyak kes family-kawan-kekasih yang bodoh dan berputar belit

Sebab-sebab lain :

Kalo korang perasan, diorang ni cuma tukar-tukar pasangan dalam kumpulan tu jugak. Melainkan si Chuck and Serena yang go international with their sex life. Ehm, kalo ikutkan... Semua pun macam tu kan? Tapi, rasanya, dua orang ni la paling 'aktif'... Termasuk Nate.

And, fashion. Baju-baju diorang, and their style... Memang menarik. Kadang-kadang doesn't make sense (bagi aku yang buta fesyen) but... Nice.

And, aku tengok sebab cerita tu ringan. And aku suka macam mana dia potray lifestyle orang-orang kelas atasan ni, golongan Socialite di Upper East Side ... Masalah diorang, how they solve their problems and etc... Kadang-kadang nampak bodoh. And sometimes, I don't know.

The friendship values, family values... walaupun lifestyle orang-orang dalam GG macam bermasalah but... Interesting. Bagi aku la.

GG is my favourite show sebab ringan and interesting ^^

And pelakon-pelakon yang cantik and hensem wakakaka

I love House M.D too. Sebab ada Dr. Gregory House yang sangat sarcastic and sexy dalam ke'sarcastic'an nya hahahaha

Say "Hello" to this sexy Doctor

Day 15 : Something That Tou Don't Leave The House Without

Most people would say wallet la, IC (identity card) la, driving license la... All the usual stuff.

Tapi, aku rasa... ramai jugak yang agree, especially girls...

We can't leave the house without these two things :

Bra

Panties

Even if we really, really, really wanted to to because wearing bra, for me... Sangat menyeksakan. I hate that thing. as for panties.. Well, harus la pakai kan. Imagine kalo pakai seluar, tak pakai panties... eugghhh... Tambahan lagi kalau tengah meleleh-leleh darah. Mana nak tempek bendalah tu???

Ok, gross..

So, yeah... Bra n panties. Satu set lengkap termasuk pakaian lengkap yang menutupi dua bendalah ini.

Sapa la invent bra untuk perempuan?

And datang dengan pelbagai alasan and penemuan yang membuatkan perempuan harus memakai bra?

And why oh why God makes nipple kaler gelap?

Kalau kurang gelap, boleh la tak pakai bra.

And the things with nipple erection... cissss....

Okay, dah start mengarut. Cukup setakat ni.

Ni pun aku update cepat-cepat (kunun) sebelum berokband Maxis ni merajuk tak nak kasi line. Btw, how's your holiday? ^^

End Of Another Semester

2011-04-27T23:38:00.005+08:00

My last papers for this semester's final exam was Tuesday evening (yesterday la). I startes packing all my stuff since last night. Today was a busy day, continue packing and went to see my lecturers untuk ambik balik my assignments and ... to meet them la.

Sesi mengumpat bersama pensyarah wakakaka.

And then balik bilik, sambung packing. I was very excited cos I'm flying home tomorrow. I packed everything ~ Malam ni aku tido tadak selimut, makan petang tadi pinjam sudu member. Memang terbaik la hahaha.

Sambil-sambil makan, I chat with one of my CUS senior, dari USM Kubang Krian (SA).

Chat dengan dia, buat aku teringat kat senior sorang lagi yang aku mention dalam post ini ...

Yang membawa kepada senior-senior dalam senarai di bawah :

And senior-senior yang lain.

Nama sebenar mereka aku malas nak letak. Aku pakai nama yang Kuyat Kaki Pendek tulis dalam post ini. Lagi menarik wakakakaka ~

Well, in CUS this semester, aku rasa... I'm blessed kot. And these people too. Kot la. Atau aku perasan sorang-sorang.

I really love our CUS. This year. The family thingy yang we make, I really felt like I'm in a family. Not only sebab kesusahan yang melanda diri daku ini baru-baru ini but even masa lain-lain pun. The tease, the enjoyable moments, the sad moments... Semua moment yang ada, I really, really treasure it.

Some of the senios, termasuk Adik Monyet Perasan Guy, akan datang balik for Master program (God's will). And I'm happy to hear that. But some ~ akan balik for good. And, that's sad.

You see, we're not that close with each other sebelum ni. Sebab we all ada... like, group sendiri. So, we hang out biasanya with people we're comfortable with. But this semester, we get to know each other more and better sebab of perpecahan groupie (ada yang dah grad, move out of their comfort zone, expand thier horizon etc) ....

So, it's a positive thing cos we get to know semua orang dalam CUS. And we hang out together A LOT. Like, every week... in gathering and pergi church sama-sama. Sampai boring aku tengok muka yang sama every week. Nafsu nak menggatal dengan diorang pun dah takda wakakaka.

Okay2...

Dalam post ni , aku setuju dengan apa yang Kuyat katakan. Aku pun dah lebih banyak spend time di blog. Buka tenet je, terus buka blog. And menurut Kuyat Rage dalam komen, it makes us feel closer dengan bercerita cerita yang ntah-hape-hape dalam blog. Well, that's our way of sharing kan?

This semester pun aku berpeluang mengenali Monyet Dillema ni sebab dia datang sambung Master. And ~ she's cooler than I thought. Sama gila macam Monyet Kaki Pendek. And that is REALLY COOL sebab sebelum ni aku ingat dia jenis yang kontrol ayu gitu.

Now, these people ~ dalam senarai di atas dan yang tiada dalam senarai... iaitu Kuyat-kuyat Jantan (dengan ekor di depan wakakakaka ~ sorry guys, I feel like I REALLY need to put this) are the few incredible, funny and interesting people I met in USM.

And to those yang memang akan balik kampung selamanya, I will really, really miss you people.

Well, sebelum aku naik belon esok pagi, I just wanna apologize to all of you (my CUS family) kalau-kalau aku ada tersalah kata, terkasar bahasa n perlakuan. If you know me, you know that aku ni memang jenis cakap lepas, cakap tak fikir (break dah rosak) and sometimes, aku bergurau terlebih. What ever hurtful things I said, tak kira la sama ada I meant it or not, I just wanna say, I'm sorry.

For seniors yang akan or planning to continue your Master, we'll be waiting for you and hopefully, cita-cita nak sambung tu tercapai.

For seniors yang nak bekerja, all the best in looking and searching for your dream job. Iy's hard out there. If you ever feel wanna give up, just think that God is actually dah prepare something good for you. Cuma perlu mencari. God akan bagi what we need when it's the right time (peringatan untuk aku jugak hahaha).

For seniors yang masih tak sure nak buat apa, all the best in whatever you plan to do (kalau sudah ada plan). Just pray and ask for guidance.

For other CUS, see you next semester.

Enjoy your long holiday, all the best for those going for internship and kumpul la cerita sebanyak mungkin untuk kita bergossip nanti hahahahaha~

Love,

mexxx

Ada Apa Pada Nama?

2011-04-23T23:14:00.008+08:00

Just came back from library.

Yeah. Rajin kan aku bertukar jadi 'double nerd' dalam masa exam week ni. Itu la jadahnya kalau dah study last minute. Selain dari study, aku pergi library juga sebab nak escape dari kepanasan yang melanda bilik aku. Macam sauna. Sape nak kurus, boleh la datang berbogel in my room.

Sejam RM 5. Tapi resultnya aku tak jamin.

Studying in the library, kalau tak ada orang yang bercakap-cakap memang heaven. Well, you know I know la.

Okay2. Entry ni bukan pasal library tapi pasal nama. Aku mention library sebab nak bagitau tadi masa tengah break for dinner, aku, Lia and Melanie ada borak-borak kosong. Dari isu serious sampai la isu lucah. Di tengah-tengah tu ada isu kelakar (lucu).

One of it is - Nama

Semuanya bermula dari this one article yang Lia baca. And then I told them about this.

I got this from my email zaman dulu-dulu. Walaupun dah lama, aku still boleh gelak whenever I read it. So, I just wanna re-share it again. Hopefully, boleh la menceriakan korang (especially yang tengah final sekarang).

Nama Melambangkan Makna

01. Yang pemarah - KEIJI CACIMAKI

02. Yang suka berjimat - SAYORI SUKAMURA

03. Yang bisu - KIETA TADASORA

04. Yang suka makan nasi - NANACHI KASIBANYA

05. Yang suka layan blues - APO NADIKATO

06. Yang suka belajar - ASHIKO ULANGKAJI

07. Yang kerap bikin kacau - WAKASI HURUHARA

08. Yang sangat kedekut - MATIMATI TAMOKASI

09. Yang suka sangat tidur - ICHIBAN TIDOMATI

10. Yang suka mengintai - HINTAI AKOSUKA

11. Yang tua - TARAGIGI PADANMUKA

12. Yang kena tinggal bini - SUSAHATI BINILARI

13. Yang suka merempit - SAJA CARIMATI

14. Yang Lembab - AYUMI SIPUTBABI

15. Yang suka BERSUMPAH - SAIIFOO BAUKARI

Masa 1st time baca, tak tau la aku jelaskan betapa sakitnya menahan perut ketawa. Owh, baca elok-elok untuk tangkap the maksud k. Ada orang yang tak dapat masa 1st time baca. Huh~ Korang ingat nama Jepun ni semua cool? Tolong la ~ hahahaha

Owh ~ Berkaitan dengan library.

Pada satu hari yang hening lepas, aku study sorang-sorang. Malam. And then aku nampak sorang mamat ni... perghhh ! Boleh bikin cair.

No ~ Tak hensem pun.

Cuma ada something yang menarik. Jeng ~ Jeng~ Jeng~

No ~ It's not his crotch. Not his butt (sorry Amau n Step). Not his dada (tak nampak tough pun). Basically, not his physical ~ Except for his hair yang panjang ke bahu and kalau dia ikat nampak sangat owh~ so cool.

Jadi, apa yang menarik?

This Guy-In-The-Green-Shirt (nama yang Melanie bagi pada dia) sebenarnya nampak sangat menarik sebab dia nampak (sangat) concentrate masa study.

The day aku nampak dia, he was sitting di meja tengah-tengah. All alone kat big table tu. Walaupun dalam library, tapi that day agak macam pasar ikan sebab... I don't know why, ada UNIVERSITY STUDENTS yang walaupun pada namanya adalah pelajar universiti tapi tak reti nak senyap dalam library... VERY ANNOYING !!!!

Oh~ Walaupun keadaan agak bising, tapi dia tetap... Sangat focus with his reading. Tak hirau keliling. Walaupun ramai orang lalu lalang kat tepi, kiri, kanan, belakang, depan meja tempat dia duduk... Dia tetap focus. And that frown yang sekali sekala muncul kat dahi dia masa dia membaca makes him looks more interesting.

And membuatkan aku rasa agak tercabar. Dengan kebisingan macam tu, dia boleh study and I can't. WTH.

Why Melanie gelar dia Guy-In-The-Green-Shirt?

I think 2 days after ternampak dia, me, Lia and Melanie study di library. Masa nak makan tengah hari, kitorang turun ikut tangga toilet. Masa turun tu, I saw him. Naik. That time I thought, macam dia. Bila dah lepas, aku pandang belakang, he was looking also, and yes, it was him. Naik terus ego wakakakaka... ~

Lepas makan, kitorang naik balik. And yes, he was there. Sitting at his usual place. Pergh. Muka tak boleh blah. Memang concentrate.

Today ~ aku tak ingat dah pasal dia sebab aku sangat-sangat risau dengan exam this Monday. But lepas makan tengah hari tadi, masa masuk library, suddenly Melanie tanya:

"Eh, is your Guy-In-The-Green-Shirt here today."

A'ah la ~ I totally forgot about him. Masa naik I quickly scanned the room. No sign of him.

Fuh~ It makes me wonder juga.

The way he study, concentration tu ~ actually remind me of Mr J. When he do something, dia akan focus like there's no one around. Dia akan ignore, totally, apa yang terjadi di sekeliling. I find that a bit annoying, interesting and... sexy.

Seriously.

Especially lelaki. You just imagine (contoh merujuk kepada Mr J), when dia buat something, kau berbogel la depan dia (percaya la, aku tak pernah buat), he won't look at you.

Banyak kali aku nampak dia tengah kusyuk dengan something, biasanya reading, kalau aku buat perangai tak senonoh pun (like farting, korek idong etc), dia seriously, macam tak terasa apa-apa. Kalau tak, kebiasaannya, habis aku kena keji.

So, this Guy-In-The-Green-Shirt, that time ada pompuan gelak-gelak, ada pak mak international student bercakap dengan suara kuat tak ingat dunia, ada couple bermanja-manja depan dia... Dia tetap focus pada apa yang dia baca.

Macam laki aku. And I found that sangat sexy and dalam masa yang sama, mencabar ego aku. Sebab, dengan Mr J, walaupun secara terang-terangan aku memang kurang pandai berbanding dia, aku tetap, ulang suara, TETAP tak nak mengaku kalah, mengalah atau rasa kekurangan daripada dia. Dalam apa jugak hal, termasuk berlagak selamba. Seriously. Dan juga dalam study.

So, masa tu, masa aku tengah feeling-feeling annoyed dengan manusia-manusia yang tak sedar diri mereka berada dalam library, aku ternampak dia yang tengah selamba meneruskan pembacaan, aku pun automatic-nya membuat selamba dan teruskan membaca. Tak nak kalah. Aku rasa, aku pun boleh focus dalam keadaan bising macam tu wakakakaka~

And guess what?

Thanks to him dan lagak dia yang sangat selamba, aku rasa suara-suara yang annoying itu semakin lama semakin senyap and aku boleh focus.

Tapi aku rasa, it's not him or the suara-suara annoying yang bermasalah. It was me and myself. Aku terlampau fikirkan sangat tentang suara-suara yang mengganggu pembacaan aku. When all I need is total focus untuk aku faham and mendalami apa yang aku baca ~ Aku pulak memanjakan otak aku untuk merewang and mendengar perbualan orang.

I guess, God put him there to remind me untuk focus.

Guy-In-The-Green-Shirt (or whatever your name is),

Who ever you are, thank you sebab duduk di tengah-tengah library and bagi contoh yang bagus (untuk aku). And thanks also sebab berlagak sexy (untuk aku wakakaka) dengan concentrate on your notes. And thanks also sebab tak hensem and that makes my Mr J masih kekal dalam ingatan.

Owh ~ Alang-alang cakap pasal Jepun, nah video lawak dari GamalJobat. Enjoy ya ~

And video Jozan hahahaha (Sorry ~ aku tengah tengok video. Sebab aku baik, jadi aku share hehehe)

It's 0319 am

2011-04-22T03:21:00.005+08:00

And I'm still wide awake. Partly because I still can't over kehilangan telefon. and partly because of fire alarm hostel Cahaya Gemilang yang memang suka berbunyi tak tentu pasal especially masa exam week.

I'm suppose to be busy dengan revision etc. Nanti pukul 1500 hrs paper script. Tapi serious. Aku tak ada mood.

Jadi aku melompat-lompat ke blog-blog favourite. One of my favourite is this

Dah lama tak melawat blog dia - yang sekarang dah jadi dot.com.

Entry-entry lama dari blogspot still ada. Jadi, here, aku nak share one of his entry yang buat aku tergelak sorang-sorang malam... I mean, pagi ni :

Aku sebenarnya pernah menulis tentang perkara ini dahulu, iaitu di nukilan ini dan juga ini, tetapi apa kata kita imbas kembali carian-carian terkiri (yang terpilih) yang kamu semua buat untuk sampai ke blog aku, ya?

bomoh seks, seks dengan bomoh, bomoh, aku main dengan bomoh wanita

- Apa tarikannya sebenarnya? Kenapa ramai yang suka cari perihal seks dengan bomoh? Carilah seks dengan doktor misalnya, mungkin lebih terjamin. Paling kurang pun doktor gigi ke, doktor haiwan, mungkin ahli farmasi. Ini bukan, bomoh yang menjadi pilihan. Aku rasa mungkin orang yang membuat carian ini kurang seks dan memikirkan kebarangkalian mendapatkan seks jika karier yang dipilihnya ialah untuk menjadi seorang bomoh.

apa aku perduli, aku tak pedui, aku tak prduli

- Ini sudah salah konsep. Atau keyboard kamu rosak.

flickr, malay urban

- Sudah berakhir nampaknya zaman gemilang akaun Flickr ini. Siapa ada saranan gantian?

kemaluan perempuan

- Adik, lain kali jangan ponteng kelas biologi, ok?

khalifatullah88

- Pembaca lama aku pasti ingat watak ini. Apa sudah jadi dengannya agaknya? Memang berasap ruangan komen sini disebabkan mamat ini.

aku berbikini, mula pakai bikini

- Aku rasa kamu mungkin mencari gambar-gambar peribadi perempuan Melayu berbikini. Jadi apa kebarangkalian perempuan Melayu meletakkan gambar berbikininya di Internet dan menaip ‘aku berbikini’ di bawahnya? Teramat rendah, malangnya…

amoi nampak bra

- Dalam blog ini memang ada.

anuar zain tak berbaju

- Ini aku jamin memang tiada di sini.

apa jadi kalau aku tak bayar bil

- Kamu akan dipenjarakan dan dirotan sebanyak 6 kali sebatan.

awek berbuah dada besar

- Carian tentang buah dada memang agak popular dari dulu sampai sekarang. Tidak putus-putus lawatan ke blog ini yang hanya berasaskan perkataan ‘buah dada’. Jadi aku beri banyak-banyak di sini.

buah dada buah dada buah dada buah dada buah dada buah dada buah dada buah dada konek buah dada buah dada buah dada buah dada buah dada

aznil berak

- Dah masuk fetish nampak?

bau kencing amoi

- Lepas berak mestilah kencing bukan? Kalau kamu hendak tahu baunya sama macam bau kencing kamu.

bina badan malaysia

- Wah! Ini sudah dikira sejarah! Tidak pernah orang sampai ke blog aku dengan carian ‘bina badan’. Awie pasti tersenyum.

budak gemuk uniten

- Dan semestinya selepas carian tentang ‘bina badan’ pasti ada carian tentang ‘budak gemuk’.

cara nak mendapatkan baju t-shirt shuffle

- Apa kelas pakai t-shirt ketika bershuffle? Pakai seluar boxer sahaja.

cerita main bontot cikgu

- Keji dowh. Keji. Kecuali cikgu itu perempuan dan lebih muda dari aku-lah.

contoh gambar penulisan bahagian a bm, contoh-contoh karangan spm(laporan)

- Aku gembira kerana blog aku digunakan di dalam kajian pembelajaran semasa. Untuk pengetahuan semua aku mendapat A1 di dalam kertas Bahasa Malaysia semasa peperiksaan SPM dahulu.

duit mara tak masuk lagi

- Kalau masuk nak buat beli apa? Gitar?

fetish kaki

- Matlamat aku sudah tercapai akhirnya!

filem esok untuk siapa

- Jangan lupa filem ‘Tiada Esok Bagimu’, ‘Esok Untuk Siapa’ dan ‘Menanti Hari Esok’. Semuanya filem terbagus dibintangi Jins Shamsuddin.

gambar awam sopan tapi ketat

- Kalau sudah ketat memang kurang sopan akak oi!

ikut jek flow hidup nih

- Memang beb. Go with the flow. Live and learn.

kenapa perempuan melayu pakai g-string

- Kamu pernah terdengar istilah Visible Panty Line? Atau singkatannya VPL? Kegunaan g-stringadalah untuk mengelakkan VPL, bukan untuk ditayangkan kepada orang yang membuat carian ‘kenapa perempuan melayu pakai g-string’. Tetapi jikalau kamu perempuan, aku sungguh kasihankan orang-orang yang selama ini berdiri/berjalan di belakang kamu apabila kamu memakai seluar ketat berwarna cerah. Kasihanilah mereka.

macam mana nak tambahkan kelajuan motor yamaha lagenda

- Pecut sambil turun bukit.

milf hartamas

- Aku tidak faham obsesi masyarakat dengan MILF atau ‘Moms I’d Love To Fuck’. Apa pendapat kamu semua?

misai perempuan

- …tidak boleh dicukur, sebab akan menjadi lebih lebat. Gunakan teknik threading atau waxing. Jika masih gagal, pakai purdah.

modifikasi motosikal 4lejang, motosikal yamaha 125z second for sale sekitar kawasan shah alam, ex5 baik punya, enjin 4 lejang ex5, ubahsuai yamaha fz150, ubahsuai motor yamaha 135lc, yamaha rxz catalyzer untuk dijual

- Mat Rempit sudah lebih internet-savvy nampaknya. Pandai guna Google dan bukanwww.cari.com.my lagi.

pasemborg

- Pasembur+Cyborg? Makanan Terminator Melayu mungkin?

pendapat perempuan tentang anal sex

- Menurut kisahnya ramai perempuan di luar sana, terutamanya yang bertudung, menjaga keperibadian dan dara di sebelah depan, tetapi yang dibelakang main tabur.

petua hilangkan sakit tengkuk, petua sakit leher salah bantal

- ….. Urut.

pusat terkeluar

- Aku kasihankan kamu. Mesti malu untuk ke kolam renang atau bersantai di tepi pantai, bukan?

siapa ada topman jeans

- Kedai Topman.

Maka dengan ini berakhirlah nukilan aku untuk hari ini. Semoga terhibur.

Taken from this entry.

Nak gelak lagi or nak berfikir lagi, go to his blog. Dah ada link aku letak tu.

STOLEN !!!!

2011-04-21T19:35:00.004+08:00

DEAR FAMILY AND FRIEND,

I JUST WANT TO INFORM YOU ALL

BOTH MY PHONE WERE STOLEN TODAY

If there's someone calling or contacted you using my number, please ignore him/her.

I'm so sad... T.T

Dah la paper dua-dua susah. Rasa mok demam. Flu dari pagi. And then phone kenak curik. Today Holy Thursday. I can't go to church.

Dugaan apa You gave me Lord?

Did I did something that offended you?

T.T

I can only be contacted via Skype and Twitter.

Untuk jangka masa yang panjang cos I have to save lagi untuk beli phone baru T.T

Bertuah punya pencuri.

God bless you thief. Especially your soul.